“I have no patience with my little kids.” I hear you. And here’s how I’m managing.
Patience is not my virtue. And that makes being a parent of small children really tough sometimes.
Part of my patience deficit is the irritability and anxiety that go along with the depression I am managing right now. Part of it is the utter lack of sleep I get because of Grace’s sleep issues. Part of it is just me.
I love my kids. They are wonderful, darling, kind human beings. (I feel it’s necessary to issue that disclaimer before I complain about them.)
However, my kids are not easy going in any way, shape, or form. And you know what that means:
Irritable, sleepy, patience-deprived mom + clingy, needy, high-maintence children = mama on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
Man, do I wish I could be one of those moms who doesn’t lose their temper on a regular basis. And I wish my kids could occupy themselves long enough without fighting or whining for me to fold some laundry, do some dishes, play on Facebook, send some important emails.
But they can’t. Not quite yet. So for now, if they are home and I really need a chunk of time to cook dinner, de-crumb the kitchen floor, or just, you know, breathe, on goes the TV.
GASP! It’s true! I let my kids watch TV for more than 20 minutes at a time!
Whatever works, people. We’re talking about my own sanity here.
But you know what? I think it’s going to get better. I really do.
Because something occurred to me the other day. No, not occurred to me. Hit me like the proverbial bolt of lightening.
WHY in the WORLD do we moms feel like we have to be good at every single stage of childhood?
When our little kids irritate us, we beat ourselves up over it. We think, shouldn’t we love them and all their “isms” when they are babies, toddlers, preschoolers? Shouldn’t we have endless patience for them because they are our precious little punkins, our flesh and blood, our babies?
I say NO.
Think about it: Some child caregivers adore babies, some go into early childhood education, some teach grade school. These people choose to work with the age they connect best with.
As parents, we don’t get to choose what age we want to work with.
So I think it’s unrealistic to think that just because a kid is our kid, we’re going to be naturals at parenting at every stage of their existence. We’re going to be great at some stages and not so great at others. We need to ease up on ourselves, people.
And since I am finding that my lack of patience is not easily conducive to being a good parent to young kids, I have been making changes. And they’re working. I am:
- Taking meds that help manage my irritability
- Seeing a therapist who gives me ideas on managing my kids
- Working out twice a week
- Not being a full-time SAHM: I work 2 days/week
- Putting Grace in daycare one extra day so I have 4-5 hours each week to get errands and my to-do’s done alone
- Getting a sitter 3 hours/week for me time
Maybe as my kids get older my patience will increase. Or maybe I will need to do most or all these things for the rest of my life with kids to be a more effective, happy mom.
Who knows. All I know is that things are getting better because of the things I’m doing. So I’m gonna keep doing them. And it’s really helping me to both ease up on myself and be a better mom.
Are you having a hard time with the parenting stage you are in? What are you trying to make it easier?
Getting a sitter sounds like the best idea ever!
Shell recently posted… Things They Can’t Say: A Day in Mollywood
It IS the best thing ever. I love my three hours of me time. Heaven!
Thanks for sharing. I am thankful for PBS with its nearly commercial-free presentations of kid-friendly shows. For those few minutes of peace that are sometimes needed, it’s a help.
Anne recently posted… Youthful Gardening Inspiration
I firmly believe that TV shows are a perfectly acceptable distraction for our kiddos. And I also firmly believe that I’d lose my mind without that daily distraction. Sometimes an AM dose of Dora is the only way I get a shower.
I hear you… although, in my case it’s the teenage years that I dread. I really loathe teenagers, I hated them even when I was one. They’re loud, obnoxious and a total pain in the behind. And I was the worst of them, which pretty much assures me that my kids will probably be difficult too (you know all that thing about karma being a bitch and sutff). So you’re right, we cant expect to always love every stage of parenthood. All we can do, is suck it up and do the best we can. Thanks for another great post!
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Thanks, Karine! I was totally embarrassed by my mom all the time. It must have been so hard for her. Ugh. So, yeah, I can say I’ll do better during the teen years, but if my kids are humiliated by me constantly … well, we have a boarding school in town, too.
Girl, I hate to tell you how much TV my kids watch. Especially my little one. If I can find something that will (usually) keep her quiet for thirty minutes, then bring it. I think our sanity is very important. If having time away from our kids (whether they are with a sitter, in front of the tv, whatever it is) makes us better moms, then it is for the best. We gotta do what it takes to get us through this tedious job… er, I mean, joyous miracle called motherhood.
Glad you are working on YOU and the depression stuff. In my opinion, everyone needs a therapist. I wish I could still afford mine. Someday…
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Do you remember in 80s movies how people often talked casually about “My therapist says this/that/other thing?” and it seemed like all yuppies had therapists? That seemed like a good idea to me then – and now!
Yep. I’m right there with ya, only my kids are currently eight and ten. Some days are better than others is all I’m gonna say.
Desiree recently posted… All about my siblings
Eight and ten. You know, that seems so far away, but Lizzie is turning 6 next month. And I feel like she was just 4. So … I guess it’ll be here sooner than I think. Yeeks!
I’m with you on this. Mine know how to get on my nerves and make me scream, especially when I have to listen to the 159th fight of the day over who gets to play with which toy and the biting and hitting that comes with it. Makes me want to pull my hair out!
And t.v. limits? Well, mine mostly watch videos on the computer, but who came up with a 20 min. a day limit? Most shows are at least 30 min., and what kid would be happy to stop before it is done because “there is a limit of 20 min.”. Usually they get “Micky Mouse Clubhouse” just before lunch, but their main video time is while I’m cooking dinner. I’d rather listen to Winne the Pooh for the millionth time than try to break up fights while keeping dinner from burning.
I stay sane by getting up early so that I can have coffee in peace, then exercise. The exercise really makes a difference. And I insist on naps, even though often one or both of the older 2 don’t always sleep. Just having them in their room away from me gives me a much-needed mental rest.
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I’m with ya. Dinner time is an impossible feat without the TV to help me. I remember asking my mom friends in my playgroup what their kids do when they’re trying to cook dinner and confessing that I always put the TV on for my kid. My one friend innocently asked, “But won’t she just color or do puzzles while you cook?” I was like, Um, NO. Yours does? Seriously? I was so jealous. But that’s her kiddo’s personality – super independent. Mine? Not so much…
Listen, my kids watch way more TV than is recommended – and friends of mine admit privately to the same thing. The fact is, I know I watched a ton of kid shows in the seventies and my Mom didn’t think anything of it. And you know what, I’m ALMOST NORMAL. In fact, I excelled at school and managed to survive to adulthood, even as my folks moved me many times to new states and even to a new country. Parenting has become this unrealistic pursuit of perfection that is basically unsustainable for anyone who is not a completely self-sacrificing martyr. Something’s gotta give. You need to do what you need to do, and they will be FINE. That’s my two cents, anyway, and I’m stickin’ to it!
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“Parenting has become this unrealistic pursuit of perfection that is basically unsustainable for anyone who is not a completely self-sacrificing martyr.”
Speak it, sister. I agree 100%!!!!
Yes. I would like a bumper sticker with that maxim please.
I’ve always prided myself on being a really patient person, and mom in particular. But recently each one of my three kids and even husband feel like they’re putting me through the ringer. It’s coming at me from all angles lately, especially because our kids range from one to nearly twelve. I Blogged recently about some of the major changes were making around our house too. And seriously, I’m too exhausted to even stay updated on my beloved blog posts anymore… :/
Yeah, I go through phases where life is just too challenging to do anything but get through the day. Blog goes by the wayside for a week or more. I honestly don’t know how so many moms I know online can write new posts several times a week. I guess a large part of my problem is my lack of sleep. If I got steady sleep each night I could get up early and write. But I don’t. Someday, hopefully, I will!
Love this. I used to teach 3-5 year olds before I had my own and loved it. It is so completely different with my own. TV is essential if there is going to be dinner at our house. There is no sitting quietly with books or puzzles, but that would be magical.
Rose recently posted… Planting Sunflowers
I don’t know what I’d do without a TV from 5pm-6pm!!!
I found this site by accident. I’m so glad I found it! I actually feel somewhat normal now! I was trying to find sites like, “keeping calm around your kids” and “how to deal with anger,” etc. I’m trying to have a clean house and laundry done and well behaved kids and, and, and…..I feel grouchy pretty much all the time:( I think I just need to relax a bit!!
It’s so nice to hear about all of you NORMAL moms!
Hi Ally! Just seeing your comment from a few months back. It IS nice to know that we’re not the only ones who feel this way, huh???
I feel grouchy all the time too, and struggle with staying calm and not losing my cool. And then guilty about being so irritable. This is a great thread for knowing we’re not alone!
Sarah D recently posted… Don’t Eat the Soap (Or Do…I’ve Checked Out)
My kid drives me “”NUTS!!!!!”" Somedays I think that there is something wrong with me because I have no patience with her. I love her to death, but I am always loosing my cool and becoming fustrated with her. I am a little scared for her to go to school, but on the other hand I am really looking forward to having anytime to myself. Being a mother has been the most DIFFICULT JOB IVE EVER HAD. I am thankful for this thread because I understand that nobody is perfect and that we all struggle from time to time in parent hood. I can tell you for sure that I did not have a single maternal instinct in my body when my little one was born, but I am learning. Who ever said that “all women have maternal instincts” have to lay off the glue stick. I would not trade my little “mini me” for anything in the world but i am sure that we all need a break from time to time which I never seem to get from my little one. Perhaps if i had a little more time to myself i would have much more patience and understanding, but until school begins I can only guess. Take Care and best of luck in this world of parenting…lol.
Hi Kate! I’m just seeing this comment from a few months back! I hope all is well and you are enjoying a little more “me time” now that your kiddo is in school. Thanks for commenting on Honest Mom! -JD
Oh, I need this comraderie badly. I am a “new” step-mom (my husband and I were married last year), my step-daughter is twelve and my step-son is ten. I actually knew my husband and his kids years before we even started dating; therefore, I have been building a relationship with them for years. For the most part, day-to-day life with the kids has been going well…well, until they just hit this wall, wherein the ten year old whines about every little thing constantly, and the twelve year is an on the verge of angst, pre-teen. Lately, I have just been so annoyed, and I am often described by others as being quite patient. In short, I will say that this post resonates with me on many levels; I do think there is great truth and insight in the fact that we (parents) won’t always have the same “relationship” with the our kids throughout their development. I never really liked myself when I was in middle school, and I certainly remember giving my mom a near heart attack almost daily. So, I try to cling to these thoughts in order to have enough patience to not rip my hair out when our twelve year old has a meltdown over the most trivial thing.
Oh, and forgive my atrocious spelling of “camaraderie!” LOL
Hi Alex! I’m just seeing your comment from October. Ah, tweenhood – I have to say I am not sure how I’ll survive that time period. Especially when I have one girl who is 15 and one who is 13 – GAH!!!
My oldest is in 1st grade now, and I find her SO much more enjoyable to hang out with now. She’s still clingy, but she’s able to do more things that I find fun, too. My younger daughter is now four, and she is in a very cute stage right now. Both girls can play independently for about 45 minutes at a time now – and even play together without fighting – sometimes. LOL.
So I guess that goes to show that just when it seems things can’t get worse, a kid can hit another developmental milestone and do a 180 degree turnaround.
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“Irritable, sleepy, patience-deprived mom + clingy, needy, high-maintence children = mama on the verge of a nervous breakdown.”
Sooooo spot on it’s scary. I love it. I love knowing that I’m not alone in freaking out and losing my temper, or at least being on the verge way too often.
I try to take my kids to daycare once a week, but my husband works a lot, and weird hours, so it feels like I’m alone with them literally all day and night, seven days a week…one day is not enough!!!
(And then comes the guilt associated with wanting to ESCAPE my adorable children. Ugh.)
Sarah D recently posted… Don’t Eat the Soap (Or Do…I’ve Checked Out)
OMG! I am so glad I found this post!!!! I used to think I was awesome at motherhood until my DD turned 5 yrs old and started Kindergarten. My career is growing by leaps and bounds, but I feel like my patience with her is plummeting simultaneously.
I just left my FT job a few weeks ago to be more available for all the homework that comes with Kindergarten and to focus on my biz. Maybe Im still winding down, but Im tired of beating myself up mentally because she’s tap dancing on my nerve everyday. It’s just good to hear that 1)Im not alone and 2) this thing might go in stages.
Thank you so much. I’ll be back!!!
My kids are 3 and 5, and I’ve found a system to keep them off my nerves. In the morning, I stay off the internets and pretend it’s 1983. I’m all mom til they both go to PreK.
Then, after school, it’s whatever goes. If I need to work, I do. Nap? I turn on PBS.
nicolette @ momnivore’s dilemma recently posted… pimp my minivan
Hello – thanks for this post. I found it when I googled “I don’t have enough patience for my toddler”. Surprisingly (or not) there were a lot of results! This age – a week away from turning 2 – is turning me into a terrible-2-yo-mom. I feel like I’m constantly alternating between anger/frustration and guilt for feeling anger/frustration. And my husband is ready to have another!
Can I ask – how did you know it was depression and not just normal mommy stress? I just read the post you linked to about your depression and it really hit home. I never went to a doc or was diagnosed with PPD, but would not at all be surprised if I did in fact have a mild case that never quite resolved itself.
Hey Lindsay – I get this question a lot. So much so, that today I wrote a post about it here: http://honestmom.com/2013/02/12/am-i-depressed-or-just-a-stressed-out-mom-heres-how-i-know/
Definitely talk to your doctor. Depression or PPD – doesn’t matter. The treatment is usually the same: therapy and/or antidepressants. I hope my post helps – feel free to comment and let me know. I hope you are well – Best, JD
Wonderful blog you have here but I was wondering if you knew of
any discussion boards that cover the same topics discussed in this article?
I’d really love to be a part of group where I can get advice from other knowledgeable individuals that share the same interest. If you have any suggestions, please let me know. Thanks!
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I am sooooo in this stage right now. I have a just barely 2 yo and a 5 mth old. I sometimes wonder why I haven’t run away screaming and pulling out my hair. But! What in earth did women used to do “back in the day”? Are women just softer now? Are kids more annoying? What changed?? Oh and please share…. What meds do you have to control irritability???
Tracy @ The UnCoordinated Mommy recently posted… The One Where A Bottle of Resolve Saved Our Security Deposit
I’ve thought about this question of “what did women do ‘back in the day’” alot. Off the top of my head these are the things I think have changed: Internet: we have access to a whole-world full of information AND we have access to others who can relate. Media coverage: we have hundreds of tv channels to choose from, and the programming runs the gamut The news media in particular (IMHO) isn’t what it used to be ‘back in the day’. Medical research: has made leaps and bounds in the area of mental health (and all areas of health for that matter). Off the top of my head these are the things I think have NOT changed: people, and their struggles with life (and pertaining to this topic … specifically moms and children).
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Oh my goodness thank you SO much. When my husband and I were talking about having kids, I was up front that I don’t really care for babies. I mean, I love my kids and I loved them as babies, but kids are my specialty. I just put up with the babies to get to the kids. Some of my friends are exactly the opposite. And that’s okay. It’s how human beings work, after all.
Thank you again.
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