That noise? Oh, it was just my ovaries quaking.

Public Service Announcement: DO NOT read this post if you are pregnant with your first baby. It may completely freak you out. Come back next time, okay?

Lately, completely out of nowhere and despite my better judgement, I have been having baby cravings.

Cute babies at the grocery store are torturing me with their preciousness.

Sweet little babies in diaper commercials make my eyes well up.

I am jealous of my friend’s big beautiful pregnant belly.

What is WRONG with me?

I mean, I am so done having kids. I have Anne and Grace, who are more than enough for me to handle. I went through some serious postpartum depression after Grace and am actually afraid each month of the possibility of pregnancy. I don’t want more kids. I really don’t.

So why, for the past month, have my eyes been getting all watery when I see babies?

I commented on Twitter and Facebook about my baby craving issue:

My plea to the Twitterverse for help.

Which caused Allison at Motherhood, WTF? to write a short little book that was “inspired by Honest Mom’s ovaries.”

And caused my Twitter and Facebook friends to cry out, “JD, pull yourself together!”




Now if you are in the same boat as me, those comments should help ease the ache in your uterus.

But that’s not enough to restore your sanity and remind you why you don’t want another baby, here are some more reasons. Thinking of these definitely cure my cravings when I get all “oooooh, cute little baby, I want one!” in the grocery store.

(More) Reasons NOT to Have Another Baby 

Poopy diapers that leak onto the back of your just-washed baby.

Cutting baby finger nails.

NO WINE for 40 weeks and while nursing around the clock.


Lugging around a big honkin’ stroller everywhere you go.

NO SLEEP for at least two months straight. Three years, if you’re unlucky like I was.

Sciatica. OW.

“Crying it out.” Oh GOD, the torture.

Morning sickness. And afternoon sickness. And night sickness.

Did I mention NO WINE for 40 weeks? AND while nursing around the clock?

And finally … Remember that whining, complaining toddler/preschooler/tween of yours? Babies grow up. They go from cuddly, precious babies to mouthy, whiny, tantruming kids. Whom you love dearly. Of course.

Now go pop open your favorite bottle of wine and drink up, mama. Cause you sure couldn’t if you were preggo right now. I am toasting you with my Castle Rock Pinot Noir right now. Goodbye, quaky ovaries. And cheers!

What are YOUR reasons to not have another baby – funny or not?


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20 Replies to “That noise? Oh, it was just my ovaries quaking.”

  1. Because they are expensive!! If I want a reminder that I don’t want another one (yet), I think about taking $20 a day and lighting it on fire. And then increasing that amount with every month that passes. I also think about taking a whole box of cheerios, pouring it all over the floor, stomping on it, then taking a fan to blow it all over the place.

  2. I wanted as many babies as I could have before I turned 40. Since I didn’t start trying until I was 31, I faced infertility and miscarriages. Then I had a child with a birth defect and lost another child to cancer. When I turned 40, I thought I was done, but got “accidentally ” p.g. I was terrified that something would be wrong with the baby. Thankfully, he is darling and healthy, but now that I am 41, I will be taking better steps to prevent any more “accidents.”

  3. My beautiful, delicious 22-month-old–the one who is so sweet and wonderful and baby-loving himself that he kind of makes me consider having a third–is right now screaming his head off. It is 10:25 p.m. He was up, bright-eyed and asking to go outside, at 4:41 a.m. this morning, and there was no getting him back to sleep. We are visiting my father and all crammed into one room and I’d let him cry it out except it’s a small house and I’m sure we’re keeping my almost-80-yr-old father awake. I just want to chill out and check email and read blogs and articles and drink TONS OF WINE but my husband and I have to keep taking turns going in to calm him down.

    And if we had another baby (in about a year), then by the time I’m out of this situation, then I’d be RIGHT BACK IN IT for another couple of years. Fun! And what if I had colicky twins with tons of food allergies that are hard to diagnose?

    So, there’s that. I’m right there with you on this one. 🙂

  4. Ah, but they ARE so sweet and cuddly… but I get what you’re saying. You are way done, totally understandable. You know when your family is complete… or when your uterus and sanity are screaming NO MORE!!! Personally, I want another one but we’ll see in a few years if I still feel the same. My son is currently 7 months and, strangely, a very good baby. We’ll talk again when he’s in his terrible twos.

    Awesome post!

  5. No matter how much I want another baby, I can’t, not yet. At least not until my husband actually gets a full time job, which is after he finishes studying, he’s currently in his 13th year of study… And no, I’m not exaggerating

  6. I used to want 4 kids, now I’m happy with my 2. There are some days when I think that I might want another but I think what I really want is the “idea” of having three kids. I idealize it in my mind and I usually push it out to a time when my own kids are parents themselves and we are all getting together as a big, happy family. Then I remember all of the stuff in between and realize that I don’t think I could be as good of a mom to the two kids I’ve got if I added another. I totally get your cravings though.

  7. I think labor and delivery is big enough reason for me!! LOL I got really lucky and had an easy birth the first time. I figure if I try again I am going to get naiiled!

  8. I have this battle with myself all the time. That said, it’s not even an option for us. My husband is SO done and is actually volunteering to get snip, snip. It is I who sees tiny little people and says, “awwwwww!” You say it makes your ovaries quack. I say it makes my uterus hurt. I am CONSTANTLY telling myself that it’s not more babies that I want, I just don’t want the two that I have to grow up. But it seems I cannot control that (I’ve tried. Truly, I have!).

    I also tell myself that a lot of things are easier now: vacations without strollers, drop off play dates and birthday parties, brushing teeth, bargaining with them, not having to constantly chase them.

    Plus, pregnancy is a major pain in the ass, not to mention constant worrying about what is going on in there.

    These are the things i tell myself. Then I look at a cute little 4 year old and it makes not just my uterus hurt, but my heart, too. Why must they grow up?!

  9. My factory is abandoned. NO more kids for us. I had a hysterectomy two years ago this summer. We are happy with the two we have and are psyched to be out of diapers, bottles, and 100lbs of baby gear wherever we go. I wish the sleepless nights were gone, but soon enough!

    This was hilarious, JD. Thanks!!

  10. Well I never learnt and despite finding myself nodding in agreement to many of the other poster’s comments it wasn’t enough to put me off – 8 times! But after 8 little darlings & turning 40 we are done. The energy for me is lacking at 40 compared to 20s & 30s.

  11. After this pregnancy, we have a new reason: cancer.

    Turns out that my last pregnancy wasn’t a fluke- when I get pregnant, I get cancer.

    So… whether I like it or not… this is going to be it for the ol’ uterus.

    You know. Unless they find a cure for cancer.

    …but all that other stuff? Those are good reasons too.

    1. @becomingsupermommy – Are you fighting cancer right now? How are you doing? So sorry to hear this. Your husband fought cancer too, right? I hate hate hate cancer. I wish I was smart enough to find a cure for it. It sounds so silly, but I really, really do wish that.

  12. My ovaries will never again quake. I have 5, and two of them are teenagers…and two of them are 3 and 2…I have the cluster of whiny toddlers and super crazy hormone driven teens. If there is any quaking it is my stomach because I forgot to feed myself…lol. I am your newest follower, I wanted to get to know everyone in the My Life and Kids community. Looking forward to getting to know you! xxoo-Kim (SoCal Mom)

  13. Hubs came home talking about a friend with five kids (we have four) and saying, “He almost talked me into a fifth.”

    And, strangely enough, although I’m certain it would be too much for me, I didn’t jump up and scream NOOOOOO!

    But I did say it calmly, in a way that was mostly convincing. I think we always want another, in some small ways.

  14. Oh, but the squishy-cute of babies! So alluring.

    My littlest is still little, though, so I’m not drooling over other peoples’ babies… YET. 🙂

  15. Oh, I REALLY did need to read this post, because I have been having baby cravings, too! My youngest is turning 4 this week. I really just want my sister or my husband’s brother to have a baby already. Thanks for the laughs this morning and for linking this up to #findingthefunny this week!

  16. Yes, I was having baby cravings a while back. It coinsided with my youngest now being a toddler and having gotten accustomed to having a baby around for the past 5 years. But 3 C’s in a row led me to tube tying with the third and if I do get tempted, I just think about how much I hated the actual pregnancy (it wasn’t all rosy like so many people claim) and how I hated the deliveries even more.

  17. I hear ya, all great reasons, but I love the whole thing so much I can hardly wait to do it again!

  18. Reasons? Are you kidding?
    1. The constant puking. Puking when getting out of bed and smelling the husbands freshly showered and shaved cheek as he kisses you goodbye, puking while fixing breakfast for the 2 little people left in your tender care, puking at gooey-cheesy greasy pizza commercials on TV between children’s shows, puking at the inevitable “MOOOOOMMMM, come wipe my butt!” yelled down the hallway by an independent, I can do it myself 3 year old, puking in the tub while wiping up aforementioned 3 year old, puking while slapping PB&J together for lunch, puking while watching kids turn the living room into a makeshift trampoline with every pillow and blanket in the house while jumping off the side of the couch that you’re currently not laying on, puking while digging through the fridge looking for a “healthy” afternoon snack when all you really want to do is give them a package of OREOs and let them fight to the death, puking at the sight of mushy noodles and cheese flavored powder with a side of mystery meat hot dogs as it’s devoured by your children for dinner, puking when your kids hollar “Hey Mom, look what was between my toes” as they are bathing for the night in the tub you forgot to rinse out earlier while taking care of 3 year olds potty problem, and the creme de la creme of them all; puking when dear husband slaps on some aftershave before getting into bed to see if you are at that stage of the pregnancy where you are “in the mood”.
    2. A beautiful side effect of multiple pregnancies is the inability to have any control over your bladder. So every time you laugh, sneeze, cough, or even puke (Refer to reason #1), you have to discreetly find the closest exit and pray nobody caught you on camera…usually dragging two screaming kids with you as they were not yet ready to leave.

    Have fun!

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