This is what Anne said to me last night as we were snuggling before she went to sleep.
And my heart dropped. Because she was voicing the same words I have been uttering to myself for years.
It has always been my fear that my children will struggle with depression the way I do. I worry about it often and watch them carefully for signs.
Anne has expressed this feeling of being sad to me more than once. It hasn’t been often enough to cause my husband and me to worry too much. We have simply talked about it with her and explained that everyone feels sad sometimes. It’s ok to feel that way, even if you don’t know why.
But if a pattern is emerging, I want to be on top of it. Because my parents weren’t aware of what was going on with me. And if Anne shows more signs of sadness/depression – withdrawing from normal activities, tantruming again, seeming sad a lot of the time – we will take more action.
I am especially sensitive to Anne’s sadness right now.
Probably because I have been not doing well with my latest antidepressant. It has seemingly stopped working already. Or, more likely, it’s not the right one for me. Not only am I irritable again, but my anxiety level is skyrocketing – which is oddly, a side effect of this particular drug. And I am not sleeping well again.
And you know what? I’m fed up.
I’m tired of the carousel of medications. Tired of them making me feel normal again and then – poof – enter terrible side effects. Tired of not being able to lose weight because of them. Tired of not knowing – who am I, when I’m not medicated?
It’s always been my goal to get off antidepressants. My doc and therapist have said it’s a very reasonable goal, since my depression is situational and not very severe. I can always have an anti-anxiety pill on-hand to take as needed, instead of a daily dose of meds. And if the depression reoccurs, as it has in the past, I can try a daily med again.
So … I’m going for it. Under my doc’s supervision and my husband’s watchful eye, I am weaning off the meds. It’ll take a month to get off them. Today is the first day I cut my dose in half. And I feel good.
I am hoping that since I have changed my lifestyle – working less, eating better, working out, getting more alone time – that I will be successful with this next step.
So today I am full of hope. Hope that I am able to do this. And hope that my dear Anne won’t go through this herself one day. And if she does – well, at least I know what she’s dealing with and can help her through it.
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