How to take a shower (when your preschooler is home)
1. Turn on water to let shower warm up.
2. Get child snuggled into your bed. Turn on Dora the Explorer.
3. Take off clothes. Smile testily when child points at your ravaged-by-two-c/sections belly and proclaims loudly, “EW!”
4. Get in shower.
5. Look at little person who has just poked her head in your shower to complain that she can’t hear Dora.
6. Get out of shower. Wrap yourself in towel. Turn up TV volume.
7. Slip on puddle on way back into shower. Land awkwardly on left hip. Drop f-bomb.
8. Get back in shower. Shampoo. Rinse.
9. Start to lather up body. Hear loud THUMP from other room. Jump out of shower. Wrap yourself in towel.
10. Find your bed empty.
11. Find preschooler in her big sister’s room, playing with her big sister’s forbidden Barbies.
12. Bribe preschooler back to your room to watch a special 1-hour Dora movie you DVRed. Let her bring the Barbies.
13. Get back in lukewarm shower, this time without slipping.
14. Forget if you already washed your body. Do it again.
15. As you are conditioning your hair, hear another THUMP, followed by laughter.
16. Jump out of shower. Rush into room to find preschooler has stacked pillows on floor and is jumping into them FROM YOUR BED.
17. Bring preschooler into bathroom with you. Give her a lollypop you found in your purse. Make her sit on toilet that is right next to shower.
18. Get into the now VERY COLD shower and rinse rest of conditioner out of hair.
19. Silently curse preschooler.
20. When out of shower, dried off, and dressed, remember you never found out what that first THUMP was.
21. Find your photo box of 1,000 photos that you just finished arranging and forgot to move off your nightstand, now on the floor next to your nightstand. With photos all over the floor.
22. Curse your preschooler out loud.
23. Decide you will never again shower with preschooler home. Ever.
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It’s like we get punished for trying to get clean!
Ninja Mom recently posted… Tall Curly Biscuit and Junie B. Jones (AND I’m @InThePowderRoom).
I know, right?! Sometimes Febreezing myself seems like a better option.
Ha! As I am reading, I am picturing my own shower today with my two and a half year old interrupting every five seconds and adding nasty commentary about her dislike of my unsightly areas. No spilled box of pictures though, I do believe that could send me straight over the edge! Hope you get a more peaceful shower tomorrow!
Rose recently posted… Use your yard to learn and to escape
Why? Why can’t we just get in an entire shower while the water’s still warm? I’m not asking for a miracle, like shaving our legs – just a lather and rinse would be good at this point.
hollow tree ventures recently posted… As The Dollhouse Turns – The New Neighbor
The dropped box of pictures made me cry.
Been there.
Kathy at kissing the frog recently posted… Helping Those in Need
Yes! I’ve done this. I also would include telling child to bugger off when they are standing with head around shower curtain crying because their face is getting sprayed.
Allison @ Motherhood, WTF? recently posted… Pillow Talk
Showering is completely overrated. And think, the less people that do it, the more of a norm it will be.
Stopped by from Finding the Funny.
Do you know how many times I stand in the shower trying to remember if I already shampooed or not? Also. Whenever I try to take a shower in the morning with my 2yo at home, I always remember have way through that I didn’t bolt the front door. She can open it herself and I imagine her leaving the apartment, getting the elevator and walking right out onto the streets of Manhattan- she’s so short, the doorman would never see her from behind his desk. Then I run out mid-shower to bolt the door (usually slipping the process), passing my daughter who is totally content watching Dora on the couch.
Oh, I know this one. Usually I wait until they are down for the night to shower, but sometimes I have to have one in the morning (like after my workout, making breakfast, getting the older ones off to school and cleaning up). My toddler will usually play happily on her own, or watch me through the open door. I don’t dare lock it when she is the only other one home. I make sure the front door and kitchen door are both locked and that anything I don’t want her touching is out of reach.
Once in a while I have to shower during the day when all 3 kids are home so I follow the same procedure (but I do lock the door) and I tend to just ignore any screams and fights. They do it all day anyway so, unless it sounds serious, it can wait until I’m done.
Mercy recently posted… Down (the Street) On the Farm
Very funny! However, when I am having shower-time, which is nice, and hot and no children are in there, I ignore any THUMPS. Unless it is followed by hysterical crying. Is that bad?
Ali recently posted… Today My Kid, And My Heart, Are Going to First Grade
None of it is bad. Well, maybe having a cop follow your kid home FROM ANOTHER TOWN and meet you in your living room to give him the ticket at midnight is kind of bad, but you guys are years away from that.
Ha! Very cute. This is my version:
http://justshyofperfection.com/a-boobie-holder/
Stephenie recently posted… When Toddlers Text
You are officially my new favorite person.
Elena @ `a casarella recently posted… Pumpkins that are Blingy (Not Stringy)
Yay! *doing a happy dance*
How did I miss this before? I am pinning–this is so my life!
Meredith recently posted… For the Love of Drive-Throughs
Hilarious. Also, I’m very impressed with your hygiene- you forget whether you’ve washed your body and so you wash it again? If I forgot whether I’d washed my body, I would definitely not bother washing it again. Maybe that’s why I’m better off socializing with people online where they can’t smell me.
Laura @ Stroller Parking Only recently posted… Frugal Friday: Top 5 Things To Buy At Costco
Sooooo true! I love reading all the comments too. Been there! I miss when I only had one baby who could be happily strapped into a bouncy chair right in the bathroom with me. (Even then I took lightning-fast showers and peeked out every other second the whole time.)
Sarah D recently posted… Don’t Eat the Soap (Or Do…I’ve Checked Out)
I used to just take mine in the shower with me. It was easier. They fought – a lot and from a very young age.
My Half Assed Life recently posted… Meet The Asshats
This is why I shower at midnight. Last time I did, my kids were beating the shit out of each other, and I it was all I could do not to beat the shit out of them in my deranged unclothed state. Very cool.
momsnewstage recently posted… Angel Boobies and Other Christmas-Induced Lies
Sounds exactly right, except for the part where they open the shower curtain repeatedly and soak the floor while they ask intrusive questions about whichever body parts they spot first.
Eddie – The Usual Mayhem recently posted… eIditarod 2013