1. Turn on water to let shower warm up.
2. Get child snuggled into your bed. Turn on Dora the Explorer.
3. Take off clothes. Smile testily when child points at your ravaged-by-two-c/sections belly and proclaims loudly, “EW!”
4. Get in shower.
5. Look at little person who has just poked her head in your shower to complain that she can’t hear Dora.
6. Get out of shower. Wrap yourself in towel. Turn up TV volume.
7. Slip on puddle on way back into shower. Land awkwardly on left hip. Drop f-bomb.
8. Get back in shower. Shampoo. Rinse.
9. Start to lather up body. Hear loud THUMP from other room. Jump out of shower. Wrap yourself in towel.
10. Find your bed empty.
11. Find preschooler in her big sister’s room, playing with her big sister’s forbidden Barbies.
12. Bribe preschooler back to your room to watch a special 1-hour Dora movie you DVRed. Let her bring the Barbies.
13. Get back in lukewarm shower, this time without slipping.
14. Forget if you already washed your body. Do it again.
15. As you are conditioning your hair, hear another THUMP, followed by laughter.
16. Jump out of shower. Rush into room to find preschooler has stacked pillows on floor and is jumping into them FROM YOUR BED.
17. Bring preschooler into bathroom with you. Give her a lollypop you found in your purse. Make her sit on toilet that is right next to shower.
18. Get into the now VERY COLD shower and rinse rest of conditioner out of hair.
19. Silently curse preschooler.
20. When out of shower, dried off, and dressed, remember you never found out what that first THUMP was.
21. Find your photo box of 1,000 photos that you just finished arranging and forgot to move off your nightstand, now on the floor next to your nightstand. With photos all over the floor.
22. Curse your preschooler out loud.
23. Decide you will never again shower with preschooler home. Ever.
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