5 Simple Ways I’m Reconnecting with My Husband

There’s this guy who lives in my house.

He’s a great guy. Witty, smart, handsome, caring, loving. And my favorite thing about him is that he makes me laugh like crazy.

But I feel like I barely ever see him.

And that has to change.

Because he’s my husband.

Ever since the kids came on the scene, our relationship has taken a back seat.

I know that’s it natural for kids to pretty much take over our lives while they’re young. Our girls are six and four years old. They need us to do pretty much everything necessary in life for them – or at least help them. The little monkeys are a major time and energy suck, that’s for sure.

Plus, Hubs and I both work. Him full-time, me part-time. He travels for work, too, a few times a month (he claims he’d rather be home, but it’s hard to feel sorry for him when he’s out having a steak dinner and I’m home eating mac and cheese with the kids).

Weekends are busy with kids’ activities, seeing friends and family, and getting chores/errands done. I feel like we haven’t breathed on a weekend since early November.

And on weeknights, we are on opposite schedules. Hubs is tired because he gets up earlier than me to get some stuff done in the morning, so he collapses onto the couch at night. Me? I’m still attacking my to-do list at 9pm.

This all adds up to Hubs and I barely ever having a conversation that isn’t about schedules, kid issues, or something related to the house.

And it worries me.

I think about the friends I have whose parents got divorced when they were older. The biggest reason? The parents had nothing in common anymore. This led to the parents fighting all the time, “falling out of love,” or the worst – someone having an affair.

And scarily enough, I can see how that can happen.

I don’t think anything is drastically wrong with Hubs’ and my relationship. I understand that we can’t focus on each other as much as we did pre-kids.

But if we keep on neglecting our relationship and fall into a major rut, I can see how things could get bad. Really bad. Not unrecoverable, but not fun, either.

So, I’ve been taking some steps to breathe some fun back into Hubs’ and my marriage. Here’s my plan for us to get some quality time together back in our lives:

Eat dinner together – without the kids. Yes, family meals are important. But so is spending time with the Hubs. Once or twice a week, I feed the girls before Hubs gets home. Then we turn on a show for them (the only way to get guaranteed uninterrupted time) and eat, just the two of us, and – gasp – have an actual conversation.

Change up the schedule. Hubs gets stuff done in the morning. I get stuff done after the kids go to bed. This leads to us basically never seeing each other. So I’m going to try to get on Hubs’ schedule. I’m so tired at night, anyway, I’m pretty much sleep-walking through whatever I’m doing.

If I get my butt out of bed in the morning, at least we can drink coffee and (wahoo!) fold laundry together. And this will mean more sleep for me, which is crucial for my mental health.

Go on a date and pledge not to talk about the kids. Easier said than done, I know. But we’ve tried it, and we’ve done it. It’s possible. And it’s more fun than worrying about the kids’ lives while we’re supposed to be chilling out.

I learn more about Hubs’ latest work issues and give him perspective I gained in my last job. He listens to me talk about my work and my blog and gives me post ideas. And we remember – ohhhh, so this is what we talked about before kids!

Take a walk down memory lane. We have a wedding album that we never look at it. I’m going to get that sucker out and we’re going to go through it and relive that day – because we agree, that was the most awesome day EVER. We had so much fun on our wedding day and we used to love to talk about it.

I’m also going to plan to revisit a few favorite places of ours from our pre-kid days. This will take a little planning (like asking Hubs’ parents to babysit) but I think it’ll be worth it. And they won’t be expensive outings – we were poor when we were dating! We had a favorite pub we went to all the time that will be our first stop on the list. And I’m going to get more ideas from Hubs.

Make one night a week tech-free time together. This is hard for me because I’m a bit of a social media addict. And Hubs loves his TV. But once a week, I will step away from the computer. Hubs will turn off the TV. And we will hang out at home together and chill out. No technology. And no chores. It’ll be me, Hubs, some wine, and maybe a board game or something. I have faith it can happen – even if it hasn’t yet.

 

Hubs and I often joke how much fun we’re going to have together when the girls are both in college and out of the house. Well, I don’t want to wait 14 years for that fun to happen. We will have The Fun now, darn it.

Do you need to reconnect with your husband? Do you think these ideas will help? What ideas do you have?

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I’ve partnered with Harvard Pilgrim on this sponsored post and am being compensated for writing it, but as always, the thoughts and opinions expressed are my own. You can find more ways to be well at HarvardPilgrim.org/CountUsIn. And if you’d like, you can read my full disclosure policy here.

photo credit: rogiro via photopin cc

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Comments

  1. says

    We struggle with this too. What we do is acknowledge that it’s something we need to work on. That way we’re on the same page. Just saying that we are committed to never being that couple that has grown so far apart helps us keep it in mind, which helps us do something about it. We’ve replaced our quick and sometimes forgotten peck of a kiss in the morning with a good hug. Same with when he comes home in the evening. We also started having weekend afternoon dates where we go for a hike together. Time where there’s nothing to do but talk to eachother.
    Allison @ Motherhood, WTF? recently posted… Reflections after a tragedyMy Profile

  2. says

    It’s so hard to do this with young kids, but you’ve shared great, practical tips here. Love that you include folding laundry together as a couple activity–it definitely is in our house!
    Meredith recently posted… In Tears…My Profile

  3. says

    Yeah, it’s a tough one. My son just turned one, and I know it’s time to refocus a bit on my relationship. I think we’ve done a fairly good job, but yeah… the tech-free night is a good one. We are both terrible. We think watching TV together is quality time. We are just so tired!

    Another thing that always makes me feel close to him is when we cook together — even if it’s something simple, even if we are cooking for the baby, too.
    Deb recently posted… Compassion and Policy Are Not Mutually ExclusiveMy Profile

  4. Kim says

    So important to put your marriage on the priority list too! We all know kids take up our time, energy, etc. but you nailed it in this post about how to put marriage at the top too. Think about what makes your spouse smile, be happy, get a reprieve from their hectic schedule and do something with or for them that they would appreciate or enjoy. Unexpectedly. A lovely gift this season!

  5. says

    I think it’s normal to feel this way. Hell, I still feel this way when I opt to go to bed instead of go back downstairs with him after the kids are in bed. I’m exhausted most nights so I figure there’s always tomorrow. I know tomorrow isn’t guaranteed, so usually I’ll force myself to turn away from the bedroom door and go downstairs and say “Say, bruh, I haven’t humped you in a minute. Wanna reconect?”
    Arnebya recently posted… Wordful Wednesday: When Your School Pictures Show Your Mom Wasn’t Paying AttentionMy Profile

  6. says

    I’ve been struggling w/ this for about 12 yr now (b/c kids always need something no matter what their age). All your ideas are great. I just wish my husband would come up w/ a few ideas of his own. I notice (and I see evidence of it above when you said you will try to change your schedule to be on his schedule) the compromises often only come from one side.
    One Funny Motha recently posted… Happy Post HolidayMy Profile

  7. Kim Kimpel says

    Our sons are grown and one is about to marry and the other still lives with us, but basically never around. I believe we provide a place to sleep, But enough about that. The one thing I learned once our sons started school and I started working full time. The housework can wait, and I didn’t have to do everything! After about 2 weeks of work and trying to still have the spotless house and the laundry folded the “right” way; my husband ask me “why don’t you love me anymore?” What a eye opener that was! I learned very quickly, he didn’t care about the little stuff, he just wanted to spend time together! That is the most important thing!!! After 33 years of marriage, I can truly say we are still best friends and love each other. This does take effort but sooo worth it!!!

  8. WPS says

    Here’s what’s helping us at the moment: After the kids are in bed, we sit together for at least 15 minutes. Every day.

  9. says

    My husband had an affair, it started with a mutual friend. I was working a lot, he had lost his job. His friend it seems make him feel happy though I didn’t notice him being any happier. They talked a lot, he talked to her more than me. Then it became an emotional affair, then just recently physical. I am crushed. I worked 72 hours a week to keep our family afloat. I have not contacted her. But we are in therapy. I feel so betrayed and crushed. He says we have lost our connection, he doesn’t talk to me much. Well of course not, he is talking to someone else. I think the affair is on hold now. He needs to figure out what he wants, his family or her. I still love him, as silly as that my sound, we have 20 yrs of marriage, 2 teenage children. I don’t want to through it all away. I need to reconnect with him, and him with me. Im not so sure if he wants to though. :( I will try these and see what happens Thank you!!

  10. Suria Chong says

    Great ideas! How I wish this is a 2 way effort rather than always feeling alone trying hard to mend the fences…

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