Judge Not.
“Xanax Makes Me a Better Mom” has exploded all over the Internet. And as one of the moms featured in the article, I am a bit taken aback by some of the reactions.
I probably shouldn’t be. It’s not news that people like to judge others. But I have to say, I’m amazed at the audacity of people who like to make assumptions and throw around their uninformed opinions.
Some people have assumed that I am against taking antidepressants.
Others have ranted that I obviously have no idea what depression really is, if sitting by my clothes dryer is enough to calm me down.
Still others have said that people who take SSRIs are weak and pathetic.
And then there are the people who think that Hope Chanda and I should have never had kids if we need to take medications for depression.
That’s just a sampling of the opinions out there.
Honestly, I haven’t read every single comment on the article. There are just too many on the version CNN ran, and there are many other related articles and Facebook conversations that have popped up. Besides, I don’t want to read all of the comments because I’m sure there are some hateful ones that will bother me. So I’m not going to.
But what I do know from some of the comments and reactions is this: It’s abundantly clear why so many women are unnecessarily ashamed of their depression.
Depression is still misunderstood, stigmatized, and feared. And because of this, many moms are afraid to speak up and ask for help.
This is tragic. Absolutely tragic – because these moms are needlessly suffering in silence due to the stigma.
A stigma that is understandable, but just plain wrong.
I know from my experience that depression is a chronic illness that needs to be managed like any other illness. When it’s successfully managed, a person with depression can live a happy life. Treatments are individualized, and what may work for one person may not work for another.
Like others who deal with chronic illnesses, I have tried different ways to manage my depression. I’ve been on various medications. Tried no medication and all-natural tactics. Gone to therapy and taken part in online support groups. And done research to educate myself on the many ways to treat my illness.
No different than anyone else managing their chronic condition.
Should a person with Crohn’s disease, fibromyalgia, or lupus be ashamed that they have their illness? Of course not. Neither should a person with depression. But because depression is in the brain, it scares people.
And this is exactly why I write about my experiences with depression.
I want to help lift the stigma.
I want other moms dealing with depression to know they are not alone and that there is no shame in getting help.
I want to grab a megaphone and let everyone out there know that regular, everyday moms like me have depression, work hard to successfully manage it, and live happy, normal lives.
We are not crazy. We are not scary. We are just the moms who live on your street, who you work with, who you know and love.
So I will write. I will talk. I will battle the stigma and yell from the proverbial rooftops to reach as many needlessly suffering moms as possible and educate the uninformed.
The Judgy McJudgertons will keep on doing their thing. And I’ll keep doing mine. We’ll see who prevails in the end – but I know who I’m betting on.
You are doing so much good for so many people! You’re awesome!
Anna recently posted… Taking Care of Laundry
Keep being honest and keep being you. The stigma exists because there are not enough you’s in the world being real. Slowly, but surely, it will go away, because it must.
thedoseofreality recently posted… Who’s That Crazy Faced Baby?
Bravo mama! Thank you for writing this, your honesty, and your resolute strength against the Judgy McJudgersons. Keep doing what you are doing – it is invaluable to those that suffer in silence
. xx m
Melissa @ mamamiss recently posted… learning monkeys: {Dr. Seuss Inspired} One Fish Two Fish Counting Game
Don’t let them get to you. Depression is hard enough to live with and manage without other people’s ignorant opinions and comments. Thank you for being so open and honest!
I found your blog through pinterest and I will be a new follower for sure. I just want to say thank you for not being ashamed. My dad dealt with depression and anxiety for most of his life before committing suicide 15 years ago. His mom (my grandmother) and sister (my aunt) also has it. It’s something I still to this day don’t fully understand as I haven’t gone through it. The stigma of depression and even suicide caused me to keep “my story” to myself. I was embarrassed and ashamed to tell people how my dad had died. I finally couldn’t take being silent anymore about it and blogged about it last October and received a lot of support and encouragement. If you want to check it out, you can read it under “My Story” and “Erasing the Stigma” posts. Thanks again for sharing your experience.
Jennifer recently posted… Sassy Weight Loss Challenge
Wow, I really can’t believe the audacity of people to make those comments. Just goes to show how narrow minded people still are. Even the ones saying that your depression isn’t as bad as theirs, is this a competition??? I just commend you on being open and sharing because it does help those suffering, and I’ve done the same in my circle of friends. I’m not ashamed of it, and if someone makes me feel that way then they don’t need to be my friend. Simple as that. Talking about it helps and makes it easier to manage. So keep it up and don’t let those comments get to you. xo
Be the voice for those who haven’t found the strength of theirs yet.
Be THEIR voice.
xo
It would have been totally reasonable if you said, “Well, I tried. If people don’t want to even try to understand, then there’s nothing I can do.” But you are choosing to continue the conversation. Good for you. You are a gifted communicator, and you are using your skills to help others. I’m really impressed, and I know there are so many moms out there who thank you for being their voice.
It’s going to be a long haul. I hope you ate your Wheaties!
Amy recently posted… 20 Things I Learned In College
I am totally honest on my blog about my battle with depression. If I hear that I need to just cheer up one more time I will scream.
Jen recently posted… Where Did She Go?
I love when people tell me it’s all in my head and if I want it badly enough I will be fine. Or exercise more. Or eat more vegetables. Or get more sunshine. Or cut out artificial sugars and chemicals and caffeine and chocolate and meat and live on kale juice. Oh! Or, get rid of the computer and internet and television and separate yourself from the rest of the world and it’s terrible news, which is obviously the root cause of the problem. Sigh. There are a lot of misunderstandings and cruelties about depression and mental illness. It is no wonder so many people remain silent and/or go untreated. What works for one might not work for another and it is complicated. Thanks for speaking out.
Amen!
Two words: You. Rock.
~ karyn
Karyn recently posted… Confession cam time again – Momminus Horriblis rears her ugly head
Well said. Thank you for sharing your truth while others are so quick to share their opinions. Opinions need to be defended. Truth needs no defense. That is what is so great about your honesty. People can speculate what life may or may not be like for others, but you are sharing what your life IS like and in doing so, giving others an example of someone who is taking control of a difficult aspect of her life and continually working toward positive change.
Rose recently posted… Bar Harbor, Maine
I am bipolar and fight the same crappy judgements as well. I am decently maintained with medications – but still – that doesn’t seem to matter. Especially when bipolar is blamed in many of the nasty crimes out there. I do seriously battle depression. You are right, this is a debilitating disease, like any other. Take Lupus for instance, they have to take medicine every single day, for the rest of their lives. Sometimes it flares up and normal life ceases for a while. Other times we can go through a “remission” of sorts, and life is somewhat normal. Thank you for taking the time to fight this battle… I often lack the energy to fight.
Wow. I had no idea about the reaction people were having. I’ve struggled with depression my entire life… as has my mother, sister, grandma… you get the idea. Everyone has their own way of coping and unfortunately, some don’t find their way before it’s too late. Those left to deal with that tragedy sadly become very aware of the judgments they made. If everyone could just show a little love and compassion for their fellow neighbors, walk their own path, we could all figure out how to get through another day.
I appreciate your efforts in awareness raising. Keep speaking your truth because those that can hear it, will. That’s all that matters
Live your truth. Speak your truth. You are helping people with your honesty. Nobody has the right to judge you for doing whatever it takes to battle your depression. Solidarity, sister.
Leslie Marinelli (@TheBeardedIris) recently posted… She tried to kill him with her WHAT?
I think it is so amazing that you are speaking the truth and being the voice for so many moms every where that need this support. Thank you! Keep pressing on and leave the haters–you’ve got all of us behind you!
Meredith recently posted… 10 Bonuses to Hauling the Kids with You to the Doctor’s Office
*Sigh* I thought we might be past this point. Thanks for being a voice of reason! You really are appreciated… it’s just that the ones doing the appreciating just aren’t the loudest voices.
Lauren recently posted… Breakfast for Dinner
Beautifully written, my friend.
I am so grateful to you for using your voice to increase the awareness on this topic. I waited far too long to seek help and THAT was scary. I speak with friends who are clearly needing help but are deeply in denial or ashamed or simply stuck in the lost-anger-hurt-sad. For some, the stigma is paralyzingly strong. Again, I thank you.
MILF Runner recently posted… WHERE’S MY STEVIA?????
Any kind of emotional illness is largely misunderstood. But you know what? Not everybody has to understand it. It is up to us to decide who we want in our lives. If we have people in our lives who are not accepting of who we are, the good and the bad, then who needs them? I used to be ashamed of my anxiety issues. It was my dirty little secret. Now I wear it loud and proud (well, maybe not proud, but certainly loud). It’s part of who I am. Take me or leave me. As for these other idiots making those uninformed comments on your site, I say, thank God they are not regulars in your life.
Steph at I’m Still Learning recently posted… How to be an optimist
I have dealt with depression and anxiety since adolescence. Then, I had a huge blow of a major health issue, which sent me into an even bigger tailspin. I began antidepressants, and they worked wonderfully for the time I took them. It was absolute hell getting off of them, but once my health improved, many of my depression and anxiety symptoms diminished, and weaning off was the best course of action. Now, my coping skills are better, but also, my health has improved significantly (turns out, my illness creates symptoms of depression and anxiety, and can mimic bi-polar disorder, among other lovely heated titles). And, I am sooo very thankful I was able to use antidepressants to help me through, but I am also thankful to be done with them. Everyone has their own battles, and we just don’t know what it is like. Since going through this, I am much less quick to judge others, and hopefully, some of the haters can someday learn to do the same. Keep fighting the good fight!
FFW recently posted… V-Day Musings
I can’t like this enough! I’m so proud for you that your article has been featured so publicly. As it should be!! And with any post that carries such importance, the trolls will definitely come out by the thousands. Thank you for your courage and passion! You are making a big difference to so many!!
Ashley recently posted… Feeling like a hot mess? Come sit by me!
I stay off all mom chat rooms because of the mean free for all bashing. Isn’t it hard enough to be a mom without all the hateful comments? We all love our kids, but we’re all real people, with real shit on our plates. Maybe I’m not depressed, but maybe I’m struggling in some other way. Imagine if we built each other up instead of tearing each other down….
running mama recently posted… Weight Watchers
Betting on you, girl! I refuse to be silent, too. We will prevail.
Shanna at Motherhood on the Rocks recently posted… I Will Not Be Silent
I just read the article and came here specifically to say YES, thank you!!!! I am so happy to see moms being honest about it all. I am sick to death of these judgey mckjudgersons who think parents have to be perfect. I am proud of you!
I think the more we all ban together and not only talk about this, but offer support when others talk, we will help lift that stigma.
Kathy at kissing the frog recently posted… Nine Lessons I WANT My Kids to Learn From SpongeBob
YES! Thank you for this!!! Even though a few close folks to me knew about my struggle, I just made it public less than a year ago…by blogging about it a couple of times.
It’s important people know our struggles & start sensing our signs so they can adjust how they react, too. Our families need to be up on it. Though it CAN affect our parenting, as well as those around us, we don’t always have a flair up. We do have happy times & memories.
When I shared my struggles, I had several other moms share their struggles with me, too…but they did it privately because they are still ashamed. I understand & do think it’s sad, too.
Moms with depression need to stick together. We know that we are & can be good moms. It’s frustrating when others question that because we handle it differently.
Thank you so much for this, again!!
AM~Erica recently posted… AM~Erica Wants a Sandcastle
Keep doing what you believe in! I want to hear your voice. And, after all, you are the “Honest Mom”. The negative reactions can hurt, particularly when they are anonymous, on the internet and from people who don’t know you from Adam. As Winston Churchill said, “You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.” I applaud you!
Rachel recently posted… Not Your Father’s Old MacDonald
Hi JD! I can’t tell you how much I appreciate what you’re doing. My husband suffers with clinical depression and I have Lupus, so there are more than a few prescription bottles in our medicine cabinet. As crazy as it sounds, there are some physicians who judge patients who take pain medication. I take my meds exactly as they are prescribed to me and I get no “buzz” from them, because they do only what they are intended to do… help to ease some of the constant pain I live with. But, traits like compliance and integrity don’t matter to people who’ve already made up their mind that you’re doing something that they think is wrong or that they disapprove of. It took almost 2 years before my husband would agree to take anti-depressants, because of the stigma attached to them. Not only was he afraid that he’d be perceived as weak if his friends or co-workers found out, but he believed the stigma himself for many years. Thank God he finally realized that the meds were necessary and that he suffers from a valid, documented medical condition. They saved his life. Literally. So, thanks for speaking up and speaking out. Keep fighting the good fight! ~ Mary PS: You did a great job on the show!
Mary recently posted… Chicken and Fusilli alla Vodka