The obsessive part of depression really annoys me.

one signI’ve been feeling pretty good lately. After a slow start, spring got into full swing around here. Which means that my annual blog neglect began as I got gloriously dirty in my garden (and that’s not a euphemism).

Gardening is therapeutic for me, and my girls love it too. So we’ve been spending lots of time outside: digging, planting, watering, weeding. It’s been wonderful.

But even when I feel good and things are generally humming along, that haunting feeling is still there in the background. I’m always wondering something, in a place deep inside me that I’d like to ignore but can’t:

When is the depression going to hit me again?

It will. It always comes back. It’s just a matter of time.

And I hate knowing it’s coming. It’s either going to sneak up on me, slowly and insidiously wiggling its way in, almost unnoticed because of its gradual seeping into my consciousness.

Or BAM – it’ll hit me with a force that overwhelms me and makes my mind and soul ache from its blunt force trauma.

I never know how depression is going to show its face to me again.

But I kind of have a feeling it’s oozing its way back into my life now.

I’ve been waking up sad in the morning. My temper has been shorter. And there’s that one nagging symptom of depression that never really goes away for me – and then ramps up when depression comes creeping around again.

It’s the obsessive side of depression.

Not everyone has it, just like not everyone deals with rage. But similar to rage, it’s one of those symptoms people don’t always think about.

In my first bout of depression in college, I was sad and anxious and down – and I also had terrible OCD. I wasn’t a germ-phobe; I was a list maker and a checker.

I couldn’t get through tests because I couldn’t stop checking my work. I was always late because I was checking the lights were off, the stove was off, I had my keys. Over and over and over. I felt like something awful would happen to me or someone I cared about if I didn’t check just one last time.

Today, I understand I was doing this to try to create a sense of control in my life – because my depression was making me feel so out of control.

I’ve haven’t been in that bad of a place with OCD since then. “Checking” is always a part of my life, but in a very average way that lots of harried moms can identify with.

However, the need to check escalates when I’m not feeling good. It’s a warning sign. Lately I can feel the checking obsession coming back. And holy crap, is it annoying me.

I’m checking my lists and my calendar over and over and over, convinced I’m forgetting to do something or that I’m supposed to be somewhere.

I’m easily distracted and have a tough time focusing. I often find myself in a situation where I’m doing too many things at once and none of them are getting done. I’m feeling ramped-up and overwhelmed. And so I keep “checking” to try to get some control over it all.

But unlike when I was in college, I am recognizing what’s going on and taking steps to ease my anxiousness.

It’s hard at this time of year, with so many end-of-school events and activities winding up. But I’m trying to clear my calendar a bit so I’m not rushing from place to place.

I’m saying no to most requests for my time and yes to a very few.

I’m really trying to prioritize my list of to-dos and say to myself, what will *really* happen if I don’t get this done?

I’m trying to get more sleep (with varying degrees of success).

And yes, I’m gardening and doing more yard work because it makes me happy and clears my head.

Will these steps stave off a serious bout of depression? I don’t know. Maybe it’ll only help the annoying checking issue. But at least I’m trying to go at it with a positive mindset.

And whenever that bastard depression makes its presence known, hopefully I’ll be a little more ready than last time.

If you deal with depression, does it come and go for you? Do you try to arm yourself for the next battle in advance, or do you find that really difficult?

photo credit: alles-schlumpf via photopin cc

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56 Replies to “The obsessive part of depression really annoys me.”

  1. When I feel depression hitting, I realize I am being more bitchy. Having more rage. And if a period is no where in site, I know I’m going into a low period. When I start cutting off friends, and unconsciously start really serious problems and fights with them to unknowingly make them flee from my life (for now or forever!!!) I know it’s gonna be bad.

  2. Thank you for sharing this. My bouts are similar to yours. I often start obsessing about keeping the house tidy and cleaning the closets. I want the house in order, so that I feel in control somewhere in my life. At these times, I struggle with sleep, so take melatonin. My depression cycles are also related to flare-ups of my chronic illness, which often evoke the same responses from me (wanting to have control when I can’t).
    I hope that you get through spring successfully – and that your garden harvest is plentiful in many ways.

  3. The OCD must be really hard, JD. I feel like I am always forgetting something, constantly distracted, always have my mind on something else. Sometimes it’s scary – and that’s just normal motherhood. I feel like if I take too much of my Lexapro, my spaciness increases. My depression certainly waxes and wanes around specific times of the moths, but also events, holidays, birthdays, crapiversaries and other times when I know I will miss Joey. 🙁 One example is that a woman I know was set to have twins (Joey is a twin). She has 5 girls where I have 5 boys. It just hit me hard that she gets to have her five kids and her twins and I don’t. There are just certain triggers like that.

    1. Love and Peace to you! ( with permission to use your own words) May Joey’s “ever-present smile and a positive, adventurous outlook on life” fill your heart today and always with “with laughter, love and liveliness”. What an inspiration for me to try to live more that way. I do not know if thank you is the right phrase–but for lack of a better one–thank you for sharing your openness and sorrow and truth!

  4. My depression and OCD walk hand-in-hand, although lately the depression has been more in check than the OCD and anxiety that lead to panic attacks.

    Great post. Best of luck.

  5. My depression will come up more in the form of anxiety, my medication keeps it in check but I do find that lately I have been edgier and a bit angrier than normal. But there is a ton on my plate and I’m dealing with some tough issues around my special needs daughter. I’m working on being gentler with myself when I know I’m going through a tough time and to let go of the “I’m not doing it good enough’ tape in my head, but I’m not always successful! Thanks for your honesty I needed to read this today!

  6. This being my first Spring as a writer/blogger, I’ve been feeling some concern that heavy duty writing is going to be a winter only hobby…because I can hardly leave the garden!!! Each year, when the first round of good weather hits we start bouncing around outside and I realize how affected I have been by the dark wet days of Winter.

    I follow the moon and my lady cycle (which are pretty well synchronized) and have found that my feelings of impending doom, rage, obsessiveness, and wide spectrum mood swings are closely linked. I know pretty well by now how to brace myself and ride it out. Having it on the calendar helps me schedule my life so that I have a better chance of thriving than freaking out at those times. But it still catches me off guard occasionally and when I’m in the middle of a bad place I always feel like it is never going to end. By the time I hit menopause in another 15 years or so, I expect to have caring for myself through these episodes well under control. ; )

    1. love it Carissa! Was enjoying reading your post, thinking yeah cool, another affirmation others have all the feelings you mentioned and realize they ebb and flow each month. To me it seems impossible really that we should have to go through such dramatic changes each and every month. And its not just a 1 week deal. I don’t share my truth with others much. That is why I’m glad JD does. And always has such good comments from others too!. ….Then I’m like…good idea use calendar more often, and not just the one in my head….wow thrive from it…I could try to use that positive thought….This is good stuff..then I laughed out loud ( at myself) !! I was bummed when you said “in another 15 years or so” Just because I really believe I am in the beginning stages of menopause, but I just turned 40. I don’t know if I’m gonna get a doctor to believe me but I think its been going on for a few years. And that in it self gives me anxiety. Ive been thinking if it is truly the change, then I really better put all I’ve got into ‘ it ‘. Otherwise ‘ it’ will all fall to pieces. Because I do OK, but I definitely don’t feel like I have a control over depression and all it has to offer me. Not sure how that all sounds. Just trying to relate. But anyway thanks for sharing and the positive post. Love and Peace!

  7. I think I get more anger and rage. Yell more. Then plummet. I don't want to do anything. EVerything just gets too much, housework, kids, husband. I haven't learned how to keep it in check. I mean what do you do? Up your meds? Change them? Such a pain in the butt. I really really wish there was a miracle pill!

  8. I think I get more anger and rage. Yell more. Then plummet. I don't want to do anything. EVerything just gets too much, housework, kids, husband. I haven't learned how to keep it in check. I mean what do you do? Up your meds? Change them? Such a pain in the butt. I really really wish there was a miracle pill!

  9. I think I get more anger and rage. Yell more. Then plummet. I don’t want to do anything. EVerything just gets too much, housework, kids, husband. I haven’t learned how to keep it in check. I mean what do you do? Up your meds? Change them? Such a pain in the butt. I really really wish there was a miracle pill!

    1. AShlea, your exact words could have been mine! Thanks for sharing! During the cycles I’m always trying to keep it in check. I try to get ‘that stuff’ done when I start noticing more irritability coming up, if I can. That way the of guilt of not being able to do ‘it’ doesn’t push me further down. My mind is a horrible thing. Making me think Im the only one, then questioning whether that is just being snobby and so self centered or is it just being lazy. And why do I feel so misunderstood or judged because I struggle with this crap ( all of it at different times- the anger, sadness blah blah etc) And how come I cant get the thoughts in my head focused/settled/ ( that sounded crazier than intended lol –with all do respect to those that really cant get the thoughts quieted.) I always seem to be behind in what I want to accomplish. Today I felt like I was playing catch up. hahaha maybe I should’t have started out the day playing candy crush. Seriously if I was able to actually accomplish half of what I intended or thought about doing….well who knows. Peace and love!

  10. Thanks again Honest Mom for the post!! As always, a lot I can identify with! I was struggling today with thoughts of feeling behind all the time. Like I’m trying to play catch up with my own life. And I was wondering if others truly understand that feeling (and others like it ) and all it entails to someone with depression. and the answer I got was absolutely, Yes! Yes they unfortunately do! Thanks for sharing your truth! Love and Peace

  11. Nice to hear I'm not alone with the depression. I take Zoloft. I started back on it when I my son was 6 Mo old. I'm fighting hard to stay up beat and get out of the house. Summer is always better than winter for me.

  12. again you amaze me its like you're inside my head! I've never had anyone explain what I'm feeling like you do! so I get the same exact thing and I'm in it now as well. I upped my zoloft but off and on but this week I'm sticking to it. I wake up sad in the morning too:( Gardening helps me too, I luv being out there (when I can with a 4 mo old).

  13. Have you considered meditation? I have found it extremely helpful with mine. I took a meditation workshop a few years ago and although it is not a daily practice (I'm working on that) I found it very helpful with those creeping thoughts, fuse got a little longer… Just an idea.

    1. Cymbalta here. This is exactly how I felt during my bout with PPD – the crazy OCD. Thankfully (well, maybe not) my history of depression made me more aware of it and I was able to manage it before it became unhealthy.

  14. I just got diagnosed in Nov/10. It hasn’t gone away for me yet…I started out on 30mg of Celexa, and I now take 300mg of Wellbutrin. I have good days, but it’s never gone away for more than a couple days. It’s always simmering right under the surface, waiting to drag me back in at the first chip in my mood.

  15. I definitely have depression that comes in bouts, I think I get more "ragey" than obsessive. I have become better aware of my patterns through yoga, reiki, and positive thinking, though it is a process.

  16. I have dealt with depression off and on for. The last 15 years. I’ve been on and off meds. I tend to go off when things are going well and back on when I start “getting the feeling.” I have an appointment next Friday with Dr Chen who is a Chinese medicine dr. I will be trying acupuncture and Chinese herbs to control the depression. The reason (against my dr’s recommendation) I choose to go off is because of the side effects that I personally experience. I am hoping by choosing a more natural approach that I will have great success. Two that I’m going to ask her about are Reishi mushrooms and Rhodiola along with the acupuncture. Wish me luck 🙂

    1. I go on and off too, and am trying acupuncture. It is pretty pricey, so I can only go a couple times a month but it helps. I struggled with depression until I was diagnosed ADHD (age 46) and have been researching front cortex brain issues, which are all related to OCD, anxiety, depression, and focus. So, I think the depression is actually a cause of ADD, and just having a very difficult time getting it together. The celexa made it worse by making me feel foggy. Thanks for all the shares and comments…very helpful.

  17. I can SO relate to the “checking” thing. It sounds like gardening is a great release for you, so kudos for finding a hobby to take the edge off!

  18. I constantly have this fear, too. My warning signs include waking too early, unexplained sadness, short temper, anxiety. I’m on Prozac, which helps, but it’s not foolproof. It’s so frustrating, knowing it could flare up at anytime.

  19. Hi, I am with Daria. I have found meditation to be an extraordinary tool. I read a book Momma Zen Walking the Crooked Path of Motherhood by Karen Maezen Miller. It changed my life. She and I have met and emailed. One thing she said to me was "Gravity makes us fall down, gravity keeps us from falling off. Be at peace in your universe." It was in response to exactly what you describe above: living in fear of the dark days I know will pop up. I have had years of therapy and am on zoloft and xanax and use meditation as well. My depression at its most severe took the form of absolutely paralyzing OCD with regard to my skin. It was bad. I also have a crazy relationship between my cycle and anxiety. Over the years we get better at identifying the triggers. I *LOVE* your blog, and think your honesty is beautiful and inspiring. Take good care of you! With love!

  20. Mine comes and goes, but I'm also bipolar so I guess that's kind of the definition. Warning signs for me are feeling overstimulated (talking sounds like screaming, for one) and zoning out in a self-protection attempt. I get angry and irritable and cry every day. I start drinking a lot more and have thoughts that scare me. This last time I got a recurring theme in my head of "something is very wrong", which is what happened prior to my being admitted 3 years ago. Fortunately I managed to ask for help this time, my doctor jumped on it quickly and I got a med dose change. I'm sorry you feel the impending doom. I know all too well how much it sucks.

  21. Gardening can help in a lot of ways. Not only is the exercise, sunshine, and sense of accomplishment helpful, I've read that there could be a chemical component to it as well. I did a quick search and found this: "A study conducted by researchers from the University of Bristol in London found that contact with a naturally occurring species of soil bacteria, Mycobacterium vaccae, causes the body to release vital immune chemicals called cytokines. These, in turn, spur the brain to produce the neurotransmitter serotonin."

  22. I don't know if I have depression but I feel like u feel at times,so this is a reality check for me! Thanks for sharing.

  23. “But even when I feel good and things are generally humming along, that haunting feeling is still there in the background. I’m always wondering something, in a place deep inside me that I’d like to ignore but can’t:
    When is the depression going to hit me again?”

    This. A billion times this.

  24. Thanks for the post. I have awful anxiety that can creep up on me as well. And I am always wondering when it will hit again. I also get OCD when the anxiety is high. Writing, for me, has been a huge help and also that feeling of getting stuck causes anxiety, so I need to keep moving forward!

  25. JD you always seem to be in my head becuz you can describe what im feeling so much better than i could! Im in the thick of it now, 4 months ppd and my doc wants me to up my zoloft from 100 to 150 and im petrified! How do you guys handle med increases? im so afraid it will make my anxiety worse:(

  26. Definitely, mine comes and goes. And I get the sense that it’s happening. It feels like gray clouds on the horizon. I can feel the breeze pick up a little, recognize that the sky is getting a little darker. For me, it’s not obsession (though I do get a bit more panicked about things I can’t control), but it’s the anger and snappiness that are signals.

  27. I am only just beginning to understand the triggers and behaviors that come with my depression. The OCD and "checking" is definitely a symptom of mine. And my depression is cyclicle. I've started keeping a mood journal to try to track it. Currently, taking Prozac. Is that bad? I'm new at this depression/treatment/therapy thing. Some days I just don't know. Love the garden. And being outside is so therapeutic. Thank you so much for sharing this. <3

  28. Self loathing. Always, always that. And an incredible feeling of being overwhelmedfor no good reason. Good luck. Xo

  29. I feel for you, I don’t have the OCD thing, but I do have the rage. And a lot of people really don’t get that. Here’s a little TMI, I started taking Alli to lose the Lexapro weight. I’ve been off of it for about 4 months and on Lamictal. The Lamictal has been AWESOME totally dealt with the rage end of things, it was really great to stop going batsh*t on my husband. But when I started taking Alli, apparently it was making it so the Lamictal wasn’t absorbing, and after about 5/6 days I noticed I was feeling mad a lot, and then I went batsh*t on my husband. I talked to my Dr. and he was like, yeah, that’s what happens with Alli. So it took a little over a week to get back to “normal” but I really didn’t ever want to go back to that place. Meanwhile, I’m on my own losing that 12lbs x 3 years…..

  30. Thank you so much for this post. My wife and I are having our second kid. A boy this time. One of my greatest fears is the return of her depression and rage. I am not a doctor and going to a doctor for this kind of thing is not easy either. So, I have to just take in what comes with the PPD.
    Fortunately, your blog opened my eyes to some of her symptoms when she starts getting depressed. Now, I can somehow have something to look out for. Never connected her OCD and rage to her depression but it makes perfect sense.
    Thanks again and more power to you and your blog!

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  32. I have suffered from depression since I was 5 or atleast that's when I can first remember it…. My depression comes and goes and I can usually feel it creeping up on me but I have not had much success in controlling any part of it! I don't really experience rage, but I have a lot of sorrow, fear of what others think (especially family as they see me as crazy or weak).

  33. No one thinks of you this way but you. It's going to be ok. You have your family and friends who truly LOVE you!! I am here at ANYTIME if you need me!!

  34. You are amazing, thank you so much for creating this blog. It’s so nice to know I am not alone, I am in the worst place I have ever been & I don’t really know what to do anymore, but you have given me a little hope. Thank you again. I can relate to so much that you write about. I admire your courage so much.

  35. depression is a horrible experience. it is not a choice and nobody want to depressed. avoid isolation and remain busy in other work, you will feel good after sometime. listen music , it will help to elevate your mood. You are not a alone person with depression. millions of people on the earth face the depression. this is a disease not a emotional state hence you can not control your depression by thoughts. Positive thoughts can help in depression but not a cure depression. Find the root cause of depression and tackle it with ease you will find that your depression will automatically gone.

  36. I suffer in the exact oposite way you do. I don’t obsess because I don’t care. The laundry isn’t done; it doesn’t matter because I’ll wear the same things. Dishes aren’t washed; who cares? I’ll buy disposable plates at the store. It scares me because living in this way is so unhealthy especially for my daughter, but at the time, i don’t care. I don’t WANT to care. It hurts too much to care. And, when i do feel this way and actually get stuff done, I cry uncontrolably the entire time. It pushes my live to completely stop living.

  37. Thanks for sharing. I can relate. Obsession comes with my depression as well. I will ignore the important things in my life, like cleaning and bathing, and totally obsess on one thing to a distraction, be it a creative project, a topic, or a person. Most often, I obsess on people.

    Right now, I’m obsessing on a man, an actor, who has been dead for five years. This obsession started after I saw one of his old films a couple of years ago. He was never part of my life. I never knew him, but I’ve come to believe that he was the ultimate man, and I can’t stop fantasizing about him. As it could never be–could never have been even when he was alive–I become all the more depressed, feeling like I could never measure up to someone like him, feeling like my life is so much less exciting. My heart fills up with pain, and I suffer terrible inner conflict and turmoil.

    Of course, I must keep these types of things to myself, knowing family and friends would never understand.

    These obsessions can last for months. The worst one lasted two years. Sometimes they’ll stop for a while and then start back up–this happened with my actor obsession.

    What helps? Drugs in the Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa class can bring me out of an obsession, but it’s usually hard for me to convince myself to start taking them–some part of me doesn’t want to break the obsession, the fantasy. But they don’t do much for my depression.

    Getting enough quality sleep is vital. I also suffer from sleep apnea, and it makes my depression so much worse, as it alters the hormones, which alters the brain chemistry. I think anyone who suffers from depression should be tested for it. I’m currently sleeping on a wedge pillow. Some nights it helps and sometimes it doesn’t as I often slide down too much during my sleep. I can’t afford other treatment at this time.

  38. I realise this is an older post…but I recently (sorta) decided to come clean about my lifelong to-ing and fro-ing with chronic (when it comes, it lasts for a long time), and obsessive depression in a slightly evasive way by posting this poem on facebook. This is about managing depression. I do it well. I know my routines. I can take pride (if sometimes not feeling) in the fact that I have a fairly normal life and have managed to start relationships of any kind. I hope that you all can relate to this poem, or maybe even share it with someone who understands it. I haven't said a word about my depression for 6 years – and the last time was with a psychologist! So that's why it may be good/decent/important to share it with a depressed friend. Writing this made me feel good. After my 30 years of living, the last few have been vastly enjoyable even if I know that I will never shake the ghost. Hope you all can relate:

    Clinical Super Vision (I Dare Not Utter Your Name)

    Good morning! You’re here! How are you doing?
    I could feel through my dreams you’d be with me this morning –
    All frantic and fractured, and downright confusing,
    In your haze I awake, come to, unbecoming
    Of all I was yesterday – that vagueness before
    That matters not now you have silently roared
    Down under my bedsheets, and on to explore
    Ways to repel my feet from the floor.

    OK, well that’s fine. I know the routine…
    Small win intervenes
    On your first dirty trick that has commonly been
    A ploy that you’ve used to make me careen
    From the plans and ambitions I had for today –
    To hold me a hostage – persuade me to sway
    With the emptily vulnerable, crest-fallen waves
    Lapping up over the bed where I lay.

    I can't say I'm joyful, but I'm mostly relaxed,
    Though I'm slightly surprised at the time you have lapsed –
    Since I’d almost forgotten that this well-worn track
    Won’t wind on for long ‘fore you come and attack.
    It’d been quite a long while since I’d felt the warning;
    Much longer than usual for that rash in the morning
    To prickle my skin with your dreariness crawling
    Through the cold-locking gaze of a ghost come foreboding.

    But whilst I had not expected right now
    Your cloud to appear, I can’t disavow
    Your lull in the background – that sneaky old sound
    And your plentiful flavours to which I am bound:
    Loss of sleep; couldn’t eat for days end to end;
    Focus impaired to the point of hell bent
    On retaining the worst of the thoughts you intend;
    The exhausting old walk through molasses impends.

    So you are here today: The Headlining News!
    You’ve come to inspire like some bullying muse!
    But I am not required to accept your abuse;
    I am not a poor man, and I’m wise to your ruse.
    You know I forged out a plan a long time ago
    To manage the landing of repeating low blows,
    And though when I pass through that ether I’m slow
    The molasses just trickles, my will stops it’s flow.

    I’m not going to tempt you to up your old game.
    I’m smarter than that, and I don’t feel the shame
    That used to arouse me to sharing your pain
    That hassled, unbridled, and taught me to blame
    Myself for the feelings of torturous worry;
    The guilt and the hurt that I constantly carried –
    Anxious for breathing, anxiously buried
    Under your veil, remorselessly harried.

    I accept that you’ve always been part of my life…
    And it took such a long time to realise my rights –
    That I don’t have to haemorrhage to daggers and knives
    Cutting at random in the darkest of nights.
    It’s not that I’ll beat you – There is no such strength
    That could kill off completely your insistent intent;
    But I do have a mind and a will that extends
    To encourage your weight to subside or relent.

    So I have my routines to counter your offer –
    And I don’t share a word with a soul as its better
    To subtract from the risk of adding more pressure –
    As I’ve lived the frustration of confiding in others.
    My feet on the floor – your morning; a challenge –
    And the rest of the day after that hangs in balance…
    But I remind myself that there are two in this marriage –
    So don’t ever call me weak;

    I have managed you –

    I will manage.

  39. I can relate. I had a light bulb moment when you said OCD made you feel in control. I like to be in control & yes, I find OCD a way to be just that. I find I’m more depressed right before that time of the month. I think my OCD stems from childhood when my parents stressed I get things done right away. For example, when I get a text, I tell myself I can respond later but something in my head tells me “NO! Write back NOW! NOW! NOW!”

  40. My depression does come and go. Which thinking about it now sucks but is also a blessing. I don't know how I would deal with life if the depression didn't ease up now and again. When I'm feeling great, energetic, high on life. I don't even think about being depressed. I really should realize that eventually the depression will return, either creeping in or slapping me in the face. I'm so glad to not be anxious and struggling that I kinda kid myself. I don't always see the depression returning either. My hubby is usually the first to notice my moods shifting. Right now the depression has come for a visit. I hate it! Thankfully an internet search led me to your posts. Thank you for your honesty and the help I'm getting from reading. It's comforting and encouraging to know I'm not alone.

  41. I was pleased (if that's the word) to read that JD Bailey was talking about the 'obsessive' side of depression (and the 'rage'). My last real bout of depression (for which I was hospitalised) was over 30 years ago, but now appears to be returning. with a bang. There have been some massive personal reasons for great (inconsolable) sadness in my life over the past 3 years (finding my mother dead, my son becoming paralysed), but the stupid thing that is now actually leading me back into severe depression is the frustration of trying to battle with an amdram committee singlehandedly, whose ridiculous, petty decisions have forced me to resign from my previously enjoyable post. I have battled with the Chairman, been disgusted with some of the weaklings on the committee who were previously good friends but listened unquestioningly to the Chairman. Rage builds in me, I obsess over the wording of emails to people who I never thought would let me down, I have to recite the exact wording of a prayer every night to ensure the safety of my cats, I check and check and check, even driving back to my house 6 times to ensure that plugs were switched off with my cats in the house. The safety of my cats is of paramount importance, and know that if something happened to one or more of them, I would go over the edge (having made sure that the welfare of the remaining one(s) was taken care of. It frightens me, it really does. I have been on Amitryptiline for 3 years, but they seem to ineffective for depression, only for sleeping. Why should I become so obsessive about a stupid committee, and stupid people, when I have contended with the other two major incidents (my son and my mum) and managed to get through them? It doesn't make sense.

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