It’s been five years of battling depression. And I’m really, really Tired.

A few weeks after Grace was born in 2008, I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. And now, five years later, I’m still dealing with its effects.

Five years.

I no longer have a baby, but I’m still dealing with the aftermath of an illness that I thought I would have kicked to the curb by now, set out with the trash alongside Gracie’s stained onesies and chewed-up teethers.

But here I am, still battling it.

Soon I have an appointment with a psychiatrist. He’s supposed to be The Best, the guy who can put all the puzzle pieces together and figure out a solution that will help me feel like me again.

I have so much hope for this appointment. I want him to give me the magical weapon that will end this fight, with me as the victor. I want to hear, If you put together x, y, and z, you will feel better. You will feel like you. You will win.

Because I’m just so tired of fighting.

Now before you get worried, I’m not suicidal or anything like that. I like being here. And though depression is still haunting me, I’m still a big fan of life and living and all that good stuff.

It more that I’m in the grips of Depression’s bastard brother: Tired. And it is really doing a number on me.

You see, when you’re treading water because you’re fighting off Depression and Tired joins in, you’re just plain outnumbered. Tired plants its heavy foot upon your head and pushes you down. And you’re just too damn worn out to fight off Tired because you’ve been battling Depression for so long.

Your meds are probably working enough to keep Depression from pulling you way under. But with Tired in the picture, you’re bobbing just under the surface of feeling alive. And you find yourself in this weird place of not drowning in Depression, but feeling pretty crummy–and being Tired enough to not have an ounce of energy to do anything about it.

To-dos pile up. Deadlines pass. Pants get too tight. You get a little stressed and then shrug. Meh. Whatever.

People who don’t understand depression don’t get why people struggling with it can’t just TRY to do something different. Make a change, they say. Just do it, they say, as if a inspirational sneaker slogan can fix everything.

I want to explain about Tired and how it keeps me from doing things I know could help me. But anyone who hasn’t dealt with depression just can’t understand. Because it doesn’t make sense. It sounds like a lazy excuse.

So I don’t try to explain anymore. I nod in agreement with the helpful advice givers. Of course I can get my butt out of bed early three times a week to work out. And not eat my kids’ candy. And go to bed earlier. Because anyone can get fit and feel better if they just want it enough.

And then I go back to apathetically staring at my to-do list and getting nothing done.

That’s why I have so much riding on this doctor appointment. I need him to find the right meds for me. Meds that will banish both Tired and Depression, and give me back the energy I need to care again.

To want to tackle my to-do list. To want to write those blog posts that are in my head. And yes, to want to exercise and lose weight.

I want to once again feel the thrill of accomplishment. The desire to inspire others. The joy of goofing around with my kids.

I want to remember what it’s like to be energized and alive and not constantly beaten down and … Tired.

I want to feel like me again. Because five years is a long time to feel like someone else.

five years of battling depression

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107 Replies to “It’s been five years of battling depression. And I’m really, really Tired.”

  1. I so get this. The tired part is the worst, there’s such a fine line between being tired and being sad and either one can keep be from doing pretty much everything that I’m supposed to do in life. I hope this new doctor finds something that will truly help and that you kick Tired and Depressions butts soon. xo

    1. Have you thought about getting off the meds?
      Best thing I ever did
      You must know they make you tired and foggy, mine certainly did
      Don’t let a doctor tell you what’s ‘best for you’ that’s for YOU to decide
      I lost four good years medicated – MEH

      1. I did the same thing. I don’t want to tell anyone else what to do because we’re all different but I really got tired of being tired.

        I lost 15 years being tired. I gained 100 pounds. I went to many doctors and took many meds. They helped somewhat but the depression was always there. It never went away. Finally, in August of this year, I decided to stop meds. I was shocked at the energy I now have.

        I now work out EVERY DAY…and I don’t have to force myself to do it. The weight is coming off because I have the energy to prepare healthy meals instead of grabbing whatever I can reach when I’m hungry.
        I have the energy to get dressed…to put some makeup on….to go out and meet people.

        Don’t get me wrong, I still feel depressed sometimes. It didn’t go away….but I rarely feel tired and THAT was as bad as the depression!

        I have gotten into Buddhist meditation and it helps me. Maybe it will help someone else. I don’t know. I meditate daily. I find it just as important to my health as physical exercise.

        I’m no expert and I don’t want anyone to be harmed by going off meds, I’m just stating what is working for me and I hope it helps someone else.

        1. Dropping the meds was the best thing I could have ever done. It hasn’t fixed my depression of course, but it wasn’t fixed being on them and I’d felt like a zombie for too long on them.

          Anyway, 5 years now and the depression is just as bad as it was day 1 – worse in fact because I see so much lost and wasted time. I want my old life back of course, but more than anything I want the old me back. I’ve been so ill, sad and bitter now for so long that I don’t know if the old “me” is ever coming back. I think sometimes I am now, who I am – the depressed, angry, passive aggressive, obnoxious and difficult me….rather than the old me. I hate who I am now – but it seems to now be me. Yo do something long enough and that’s who you become I suppose.

          Re:Tiredness – so much better not on medication – but I still suffer terribly. I’m having tests for undiagnosed Lymes so it might be that; but never sleeping, or sleeping from 9 am till 8pm every day for the last 3 years or so is getting old…not that I’ll do anything about it but get even more sad when it finally does come to pass and I’ll of course hate myself a little more for seeing it coming and doing nothing about it….

  2. this hit very close to home – I don’t think I ever considered the fact that I was depressed – I think that I always just felt tired. But reading this, I was able to relate to so much that you said – and I feel like if I accept/admit to the depression, I am going to have the same responses thrown at me. “You are fine; just start eating healthy; just start going to the gym; just get the stuff done that you want to do; don’t be so lazy”. But I am not lazy – I have a 2.5 yr old, a husband, a dog, a full time job, a messy house, a 1.5 hr commute with the 2.5 year old – leaving my house at 6:30am and get home at 6:00pm. It’s hard. I’m tired. I get depressed.

  3. That post could have been written by me…but instead of where your wrote “Tired” it would be “Anxiety”. I too hope I can soon feel like my old lost self, that also left shortly after having my youngest child 5 years ago. I hope your new physician can also get you on your journey back to yourself. thanks for your post!

  4. JD, this is so eloquently said! I’m so sorry you are having a rough time, but thank you for putting it out there to help others feeling the same way. While mine is probably somewhat reversed from yours (I had the sick/tired first and now the depression has slipped in), your post really hit home with me. I too am so worn down from fighting and it has been a rough year for me. I find myself giving up hope that I will ever be “healthy” again. I truly hope your doctor is able to find the right combination to get you back to feeling yourself. Love you so much lady!!

  5. I love this post because I feel the same way. My DS will be 5 in February and all I feel anymore is tired. Too tired to do anything, plan anything, engage. I’m going to lunch with friends, but my heart’s not in it. It’s like you’re going through the motions of living but you still feel like you’re not really living, just existing. I’m excited about the outcome of your appointment as well. I know I need to make an appointment, I just can’t bring myself to arrange a babysitter and actually do anything about it. Good luck!

  6. I feel the same. My son is now 12! years old and I developed severe OCD, anxiety,depression at 3 months pregnant. I am much better than during my pregnancy but I battle this everyday and am so tired of it too. My husband left me after the baby was born so dealing with all of his emotional abuse has made it much harder for me. I put all my energy into being the best mom I can but I am dragging myself most of the time. : (

  7. The brain just remembers how to be depressed. It can't remember daily tasks and help us stay organized, but damn it remembers how to be down and dumpy. I am so sorry you are battling this, but I do believe that things can get better and they will. I really do, and I am sending you the best energy and positive vibes possible. People with depression always have to work harder at things people who don't deal with depression take for granted. It is exhausting, isn't it?

  8. Thank you for this post! I literally just thought this morning, “I am on my last straw! I am so Tired of fighting this!” I have been battling anxiety and depression for years and years, but sinceI had twins a few months ago, it’s all become much, much worse. I understand Depression. I understand Tired. Thank you for sharing your struggle. Reading your blog the past few months has given me the courage to talk with people in my life about my depression and start therapy. Best wishes to you with your new doctor!

  9. You are not alone. The tired can be the worst part because people don't understand. Sometimes being awake is just too much, it's not laziness. If you could do something you would love too if you didn't feel weighed down and moving in slow motion.Sometimes existing is the best you can do. I hope your doctor can find an answer…if he does please share.

  10. I use to be able to take on the world. Now I hide from the dishes and hope to god my DD sleeps long enough for me to banish the feeling of bone deep exhaustion. My partner is deeply depressed and won’t get out of bed till the afternoon on his day off. I feel like a single parent .

    1. when i read “my partner is deeply depressed….” it reminded me of my ex…. This is almost just a random thought, and might not be helpful at all, but could focusing on helping him actually help you in some myserious way? I mean – (not to sound patronising or judgemental) – the old fashioned notion of loving a husbnd/partner above self – could it ‘take you out of yourself’ and give you a renewed purpose?? All the best and take care!

  11. In my years of study, I have found many dynamics related to becoming a parent.

    Fact one is that many women and men don’t really want to have children, but are expected to by their parents (to give them a grandchild and validate them as good parents) or their peers.

    Low self esteem? Have a child as people look up to “parents”.

    Members of certain religions are pressured to get married and have children and if they don’t they are shunned.

    Some women have children so they always have someone that loves them. These are just a few of the wrong reasons to have a child.

    Some women think that having a child is a piece of cake and after, they realize they just put themselves in house arrest, having to take care of a child 24/7 with no vacations.

    The results of any of these is that a mother can actually love their child and hate their child at the same time. Because hating a child is totally unacceptable, they suppress and repress their anger and rage. SUPPRESSION AND REPRESSION OF ANGER AND RAGE IS WHAT CA– — — USES DEPRESSION.

    I suggest she get Century Blocker (http://www.centurymma.com/Single-Blocker_p_224.html?gdftrk=gdfV23234_a_7c1063_a_7c3213_a_7c1055&catargetid=730010370000000330&gclid=CLnN6oy0zroCFUVp7Aod0noAoQ) and beat the hell out of her stuffed furniture (when the child is not home), yelling phrases like, “I hate you”. That dynamically releases the anger and rage that she is stuffing, causing the depression, and, after a while, the depression will go away. She will have to do it many time if she has 5 years of it, but it does work.

    I also recommend that you find some non judgmental friends that you can talk to about your anger and rage towards your child.

    Children are sensitive to others’ emotional energies, especially suppressed anger and rage energies and it makes them uncomfortable and can cause behavioral problems and learning disabilities. It can also impact their relationships with their parents and other children.

    Most people, fearing disapproval, judgment and rejection, are in denial about what is really happening with them and it causes them problems like these. Get real with yourselves. There is nothing wrong with hating your child. Denying that it is happening is what is wrong. It is more normal in our society, to hate a child, than not. It is just something no one wants to admit to. It is just a problem that cannot be solved until one admits it exists.

  12. You sound like I did in 2006 at the age of 46 and pretty much a lifetime of trying to ‘manage’ depression. It’s when I finally decided to try an anti-depressant because I was ‘tired’ of battling depression, trying to keep it at bay, ward it off, head it off at the pass, keep it from ruling my world. I had my son in my 40th year, in 2000 and battling depression was another matter when it was just me, but when it affects those around you, especially your children, it becomes reaches a whole new level. Thank God for Sam, giving me a reason to fight. And it is a fight, a daily struggle, and battle of wins and losses. As you have so astutely noticed, that unless we are some faction of a mechanical robot it’s very hard to maintain the regime that is required to stabilize and not let depression be the dictator it so desires to be. So at the tender age of 53 I have succumbed to a year of loving myself unconditionally and that is much harder than it sounds. 1st rule: NO COMPARING! Do not compare oneself to anyone else, not even to your ‘old self.’ Look in the mirror each day and find ONE thing you like about yourself. Smile at the person in the mirror and realize she has beauty in some of the most obscure places….the way her bangs hang on her forehead, the way her eyes are sleepy seductive, the fullness of the lips, the color of the skin, the lack of wrinkles for someone in her 50’s who doesn’t use moisturizer daily and had way too much sun as a youth. (You get the jist.) 2nd rule: BE GENTLE – STOP THE CRITIC! You know that internal, perpetual voice that is in your head that helps to feed the comparison junkie. When you hear the naysayer in your head, stop and stare it down and silence it. Come back with gentle, kind, compassionate, words that feed your soul. 3rd rule: LOVE YOURSELF! Coax yourself into the world with a love so pure and full that you feel fully encased in a a bubble of light, warmth, and penetrating unconditional love. Love yourself as you love your children. No room for judgement there, just pure love. 4th rule: EXPRESS YOURSELF! Read, write, draw, paint, play music, dance, take pictures, whatever makes your heart sing. Read great words of poetry, prose, lyrics, capture what your inner voice is longing for. Longing to express itself through the act of being creative. No critic here either, there is beauty in the simplest of creations. 5th rule: BE STILL! In the quiet stillness is when I feel the most connected to myself, God, and others. 6th rule: LAUGH! See the humor in the most impossible of situations. In the craziness of life and people and observing how everyone is fighting the good fight. Laugh not because we are different, but because we are so much the same. 7th rule: RELISH THE PRESENT! Because it is just that, a present. All that we know, could be gone tomorrow. In a flash all can be gone. Not to sound paranoid, but just to put it in perspective. Today this moment, is all we really have. Take a deep breath and feel the power of now.

    JD we are all fighting the good fight. And it is a good fight, and we all get tired. Some of us remain tired for years….trust me, there was the one Christmas that all I wanted was a bed tray and armchair pillow…..geez and then there was the year my girlfriend told me her husband bought her a bottle of Geritol for Christmas because she was ‘tired’ all the time……and then my hairdresser told me her adrenals have never been the same since she had her child, shot, on alert 24/7…..what you do is you keep it real, funny, sad, and HONEST. That is why you named your blog Honest Mom, right? The meds will help, the psychiatrist will help, use the tools that help to fight the good fight and there will days of sweet reward and others that just merely hold the promise. My favorite quote I keep on my bookcase:

    “The path you are traveling may be the more challenging one but don’t lost faith, don’t listen to the doubters, don’t let setbacks keep you down, and most of all, don’t give up.” Chris Assaud

    1. OK, thought I should provide a little clarification here….my hair dresser did not have her child shot! I was rereading my post and thought it sounded a little confusing….what I meant was, after having her child, her ADRENALS were shot, being on alert 24/7 as most mothers are once they have a child……LOL, didn’t want any of you to think I had a crazy hairdresser who had her daughter shot….although considering the previous post from PREM about hating your child, I was a little concerned some of you might draw this conclusion. Ah, such is the sweet medium of posts….

      1. Thanks Susie, I got to this page because I was crying all day – instead of doing things that need doing. I’ve never taken meds – I generally have a pretty/fairly good life – I’m 53 and often in my life have been down and plagued by negative thoughts etc. Just want to say – here’s one thing you can be grateful for – you have a child. I never had one. I’m nearly 53. I don’t really mind not having kids (I work with them as a teacher but have to find another job as this one is coming to end July) but on the other hand, having one might’ve been nice…..
        I will replace my desktop quote (which says something about always being happy which i can’t seem to manage) with your quote for now, and will look up C Assaud online. Just sharing. You look like a nice person. Keep that smile on your face!!!

    2. Chris,

      Great post. I used to teach unconditional love and it is all about loving oneself. IF a person can be in the following five elements, they will be in unconditional love.
      Breathe (most people are in fear and they don’t breathe fully, just shallow, breathe full, circular and connected)
      Relax (when you are in fear, you are tense. relax and drop your shoulders)
      Become aware of your feelings in your body
      Integrate (which is another way of saying, don’t judge anything you feel, see, have, experience, think or do) If you use the words, good, bad, right or wrong, you have made a judgment.
      Be spontaneous! (this means, do things without any for thought. Do things without any concern for how it will effect others.

      Unconditional love is natural. We were born with it. That is what he meant when he said, “the only way to enter the kingdom of heaven is as a little child” We were all born in Nirvana or a state of bliss. FEAR is the enemy of bliss and most children go into fear before they are one year old. The terrible twos are the result of the permanent loss of that bliss.

      A child emulates their parents and if the mother, the primary caregiver, is in fear, so will the child be in fear. Since the mother has no formal practical training in the care of a child, she is in fear that she might make a mistake that will cause the child harm, illness and/or death.

      LOVING ONESELF UNCONDITIONALLY IS ALSO ABOUT PUTTING YOURSELF FIRST.

      Being children emulate their parents, if you are depressed, your child may emulate you and become depressed. So, by loving yourself unconditionally, your child will emulate that and grow up healthy and love themselves unconditionally. So, it is very important for you to love yourself unconditionally.

      To keep myself out of fear, I put little stickers on the bezels of my computer screens and TV screens that say, “I AM SAFE! YES!, YOU ARE SAFE!

      Prem Raja Baba

    3. I really needed to hear that tonight. I’m happy to have found this site…and yr reply. I’m 6 months into a terrible depression & feeling so tired, guilty, etc. my 11 yo girl, 9 yo boy, and 7 yo girl just want their mom back, and I’m trying to find my way.
      Much grace,
      Stpetemom

  13. I love how you so clearly put it out there, you are tired, and are tired of being tired. I can so relate to this on so many levels. I’m sending all the best thoughts that this new doctor can help put the pieces of the puzzle together for you. xo

  14. I wish I had some words of encouragement but I don't but you are not alone. I feel like when I read your posts you are saying what I feel. My spouse just doesn't get it either. I even showed him one of your posts to help him understand and he still believes that I can choose to feel different. 🙁 I constantly feel like I'm living in a fog, nothing is ever 100% clear. Very frustrating but it's good to know I'm not crazy and others are experiencing the same thing. Keep seeking help gurl.

  15. It’s the most aggravating, frustrating thing and I so feel for you. I’ve come so very close, so many times, to feeling like I just maybe got the depression part under control, but Tired? Tired has never gone away. I don’t suppose I really believe anymore that it ever will.

  16. My depression I have finally figured out- is the mourning of any family, mother, father, aunt, friend during my life. I never met my grandmothers or grandfathers, only saw my older cousin twice and live far away from any relative. My mother figure, mentor ( mom ) did t have time for me. My older siblings didn’t either. I battled depression since the 7th grade until I was 21. I changed my religion to get close to God then got married had kids and it all finally hit me at 40. Huge depression and sadness that I hadn’t dealed with.
    So I guess I still mourn for a support system I never had. Which makes being a mom kind of tricky. But one day at a time I hope to be me again. Happy and full of light. Peace

  17. Thank you for sharing. I'm on 4 1/2 years, and I totally understand. Thanks for putting words to how I feel, and letting us know that we are not alone.

  18. I wish I could tell you that it’s easy to run off Tired. But it’s not. I’ve been tired for about 15 years. (But then I drug out my child-bearing years a lot longer than you did.) While your girls are little, and rely on you for everything, you’re going to be spread thin. But they grow up. Fast. And then you get a little breathing room. Then a little elbow room. And it gets better.

  19. OMG, yes, yes, yes! It’s so hard to do all the things for yourself that you know you’re supposed to do when you’re just too tired to do them. I know I would feel better if I exercised and slept better, but I’m just too tired to do that. Too tired to sleep? Why yes. My mind is running a million miles an hour with all these thoughts and I’m paralyzed as to what to do about them.

    I am so in your corner JD. I adore you and your honesty. I’m here for you and can’t wait to see what THE doctor has to say. xo

  20. I’m sorry you feel this way, I hope you are able to find some relief soon. Obviously, there are many others similarly affected and facing challenges of depression and tiredness and your posts about it are helpful to us and hopefully helpful to you. Good luck, even though I don’t know you in real life, you definitely have an impact and I hope you get to come back to your real self soon!

  21. I so heart this. I cant explain why I am depressed I just am. I cant explain why I want to lay in bed all day or why its so hard to get up and move it just is. I wish there were answers

  22. I’ve been training for my 1st marathon for almost 5 months now. I’ve struggled with depression since I was 12 and I’m 34 now with 3 small children. For some reason, I struggle the worst with my depression during the fall and winter months. Training for a marathon has helped with my depression tremendously during this fall season. However, even though I run 3-4 times per week, I still struggle with depression and feel very TIRED! I’ve been able to run 20 miles, but struggle many days just to walk from my bedroom to the kitchen or do simply tasks. Many would probably view me as being lazy, but the emotional part of depression can be so exhausting. 20 miles is a breeze compared to dealing with depression!!!

    1. Emotions are “energy in motion”. When emotions are suppressed, it takes an equal amount of energy to keep them suppressed. This depletes the amount of available energy available to do things, hence the tiredness and exhaustion.

      I spent most of my life depressed until I was hospitalized. In there, I began to express my emotions, yelling and screaming at my father and crying for long periods of time.

      I learned that crying is wrong, so we suppress it. If you ever cried and someone asked you what is wrong, you, at that moment were programmed that crying is wrong. Our parents usually taught us that emotions are wrong and bad, so we suppress them and then, the result is depression.

      Now, I cry at the drop of a hat and I express my anger and rage. Because I don’t make crying wrong or bad, it is actually a very joyful experience and I love crying.

      We were born perfect and we were screwed up by people who didn’t know what they were doing.

      Prem

  23. You just described me!! I have been battling depression for 15 years. I can't even tell you how many different meds I've been on. I also have excessive daytime sleepiness, mild sleep apnea, and mild restless leg syndrome. If you find the cure, please share….I'm so tired of being Tired 🙁

  24. I love you so much, and thank you for sharing this. You’re not alone, sweets. I’m wrapping you in a cozy blanket of love BECA– — — USE I GET IT.

    I got a bitch slap in the face the other day from someone I thought was my friend…who apparently just doesn’t get what I’m going through. But? She seems to be so scared of it/me that she won’t even try to talk to me. The excuse I’ve heard is that she “grew up in a small town.” Okay….? But she doesn’t have a problem with gay people, and my dad is gay, and we’ve talked about that a ton and it’s fine! This, however, seems to throw her. She’s avoiding me. It both infuriates me and completely confounds me at the same time.

    So you’re right—and I’m tired of battling the bastard too, and I’m sick of the people who brush us off, or accuse us of being lazy and contribute to all the stigmas and stereotypes.

    I’m here whenever you need me. xoxo

    1. Erin,

      I sounds like she has a problem with her mother and you are triggering her anger towards her mother. She could also be mirroring your judgment and anger towards yourself. Think about it and see what fits. Self judgment and depression usually go hand in hand.

      Prem

  25. You’ll get through this. There is no magic pill. There are only medications that help balance out the chemicals and we do the really hard work on the outside. We have to keep getting out of bed and living life, while the meds start working. We have to shuttle kids back and forth to school and home and dance and sports, all the while cooking and cleaning and doing our work in the inbetween minutes. Seeing this doc will change things, I have a good feeling about it for you. I know you’ll get through this. It’s not going to be easy, but nothing good in life is. Hang in there. Thinking of you.

  26. I understand your words. I pray you find that feeling again. Life is not always as simple as “others” make it out to be. I love this post and your honesty. It is refreshing and real, which makes me love you more.

  27. Ah so sorry. I know exactly what this is like and I know no matter what I type here to help you it just won't help. I really hope it's just a matter of finding the right pill so that you can actually get he motivation to workout and do other things to help you get better. I know right now it's pretty much impossible. Oh and maybe to attempt to make you laugh you need to check out this blog: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.ca/. She took a hiatus from blogging because of depression, I encourage you to read her post about it. As sad as it is, it may actually make you laugh too (she's hilarious!).

    1. I love Hyperbole and a Half. Her posts on depression are right on target. And she makes me lauuuuggghhhhh! I have her book right here next to me and was in a hysterical laughing-crying fit just an hour ago, while reading her chapter about her really dumb dog. I love that one. The book is amazing – so well done.

  28. Sending you best wishes with your appointment. I know that you and I don’t know each other, but I love your blog and I feel like we have a lot in common. So truly, best of luck to you in figuring this thing out. I hope you kick Tired in the ass and punch Depression in the face.

  29. It’s been a year and a half for me, and I thought it would be gone by now too. I’m off of my medication and so far, so good. Working out and eating the right foods have really helped, but I still have my days, a lot of days. I feel like this will be a lifelong thing, but I sure hope not.

    Please keep up updated after your appointment!

  30. Thank you for sharing your ongoing challenges. I think it’s important for people to remember that it can be a long process, but it’s worth it. You have so much to offer the world, and I look forward to when you’re able to feel like yourself again so that it’s not so hard. Take care.

  31. Okay this might sound crazy, but I’ve been hearing A LOT lately about the connection between gluten sensitivity and depression. Have you ever considered giving up gluten—even if only for a trial period of a month or two? Might be worth a try. You would have nothing to lose by trying.

  32. Oh, man, with the staying up late staring glassy-eyed at the to-do list and being tired night and morning and hearing the first fight of the day and thinking, “I just can’t do this anymore.” Not “end it all” kind of can’t do it, but simply no. more. energy to do it.

    I hope the doc’s a svengali who trades in unicorn breath and pixie dust, because you deserve to feel, for more than one moment at a time, that you can handle this. That you’re in charge of a few decisions and your own body and some of what charges at you each day.

    Good luck!

  33. Oh my can I relate and I totally appreciate your post and putting your honesty out there. I too have suffered depression on and off. It is a horrible catch 22. When I get really depressed, I feel like I am the worst mom in the world. I am irritable, I am short with my kids, I raise my voice and sometimes I scream at them. I feel like monster mommy. Then I go on meds, but the side effects make me extremely tired. A tiredness that can not be explained to someone who doesn’t know. I could sleep all day, pick my kids up from school and then easily fall asleep again at bedtime, wanting to do nothing more after I get up in the morning and drop my kids off but go back to sleep again. No motivation, no really being “involved” with my kids. Yeah, no mood problems, no yelling but dead. That’s what it is like, being dead to the world. Three weeks ago, I decided, with my doctor, that this not functioning was not being helpful. I weaned off the meds and am still after 3 weeks experiencing dizziness, electric tingles in my face, crying at the drop of a pin, feeling irritable and angry for no reason. I hope this passes but what if it doesn’t? I have no answers either. I want the burden lifted. I want to be present mom, good mom but it doesn’t feel like it. Thanks for letting me share here. Thanks again for your post.

  34. I just found this blog today, and it fits me to a T. It's as if you are reading my mind and writing it down for me. Awesome page.

    1. Before I retired, I taught human potential. What I see here is people who are not living their life, but the lives that their parents and others want them to live. It was okay as long as what they had to do to “please their parents” was minor and did not impact their lives. When the baby was born, they realized that it was not what THEY WANTED, but WHAT EVERYONE ELSE WANTED. Of course, on this blog and to everyone, they could never tell the truth that they really did not want that child, no matter how beautiful and cuddly it is, so they suppress the thoughts and emotions connected with that realization.

      What I have learned and taught, for people to be in their power and and in joy and not depressed, is TO TELL THE TRUTH AS FAST AS YOU CAN. Let go of the need for love, approval and acceptance from everyone. All you require is you loving you unconditionally and accepting you unconditionally and approving of you unconditionally. Anyone that cannot handle the real you doesn’t really love or care about you. All they want is to control you and you don’t need them in your life.

      You have a beautiful little child in your life and you can make it your life or not. You have a bunch of people in your life that don’t care about you? You can choose to allow them to be a part of your life or not. FREEDOM IS ABOUT HAVING CHOICES AND BEING ABLE TO MAKE CHOICES. So make choices that will please you.

      Here is an easy test to see if you are living a life to please you or please others. When you have a decision to make, if you think whether it will please others, you are not living your life. When you have problems making decisions, you are considering others in that decision. Yes, sometimes decisions have to consider others that the decisions effect, but when you are considering people who are not effected at all, you are not living your life.

      John Bradshaw created a set of video tapes of his seminars “ON THE FAMILY”. I highly recommend it to everyone that suffers from depression.
      http://www.amazon.com/BRADSHAW-ON-Creating-Videobook-Intensive/dp/1573880957/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1385413653&sr=8-5&keywords=john+bradshaw+dvd

      1. Prem,

        It seems obvious to me that you do not know much about the dx of clinical depression. You can positive think all you want, read all the books you want, say all the truths you want, but it is a chemical imbalance. Until that can get rectified, the depression will still be there. It is appreciative that you want to help and your heart seems in the right place but I feel the advice you shared is not helpful, well at least not for me.

        1. NOT SO! In 1982, I was diagnosed with clinical depression, checked myself into a mental hospital for a month and that was just the beginning of my recovery. One condition to my hospital stay was that I was not medicated.

          After I got out, my psychologist told me that I would always be depressed and would have to learn how to deal with it. I refused to accept that and began working on myself. I found, early in my treatment, that I had tons of anger, rage and grief stuffed in me, wanting to be expressed. So, I got angry and raged and cried for years and did not use any medication. I remember driving by the psych hospital with my son in the car and I began to cry uncontrollably to the point where I had to call his mother and have her pick him up. I found that expressing my emotions spontaneously was primary in my healing and that I had to be around people that would allow me to express my emotions.

          I did not like who I was because I was who everyone wanted me to be. So, I went to acting classes and created the person I wanted to be, using the same techniques actors use to create their characters. I was successful.

          I ended relationships with those who wanted to control me and who didn’t like me as I was. This didn’t include those that gave me constructive feedback. I became very popular and successful.

          I discovered breath work which was able to, in a controlled environment, activate suppressed emotions and pleasurably express them and integrate (remove the judgment of them being bad or wrong) them. I learned and taught it. A form of that breath work is called Transformational Breath. You can learn it. Here is one organization that teaches it. http://www.transformationalbreathing.com/

          I was depressed most of my life and it took only a few years from the time I hospitalized myself (1982) until I was enjoying life fully and not depressed anymore.

          There are a lot of pill pushers out there that would love to drug you into submission and you will be even less of who you really are.

          My name is Prem Raja Baba and I wrote a book about breath work. I know what I am talking about.

          It takes a lot of courage to change. Surround yourself with people who support you in changing into who you want to be. Avoid those people, especially family members, that want you to be what they want you to be.

          You are a mother, which means your child will emulate you. Do you want your child to be a drugged out person or a very powerful woman in total command of her life? It is your choice. Whatever you are, most likely that is what your child will be.

  35. I just read this post via mamapedia and I am so sorry fir your struggles. I appreciate your honest commentary and find so many similarities with the way I feel at times. Your comment about people who don’t understand depression saying catching slogans to try and make you feel better resonates so much with me. I don’t know how many times I have been told that I am making a choice and asked why I choose to feel bad or that I like to beat myself up. Part of me at first fights those comments because I know I don’t want to intentionally beat up anyone, but then I usually agree because somehow it must be my fault. Reading just this one post with your experiences has already lifted a weight off my shoulders. Thank you!

  36. I think its important to have people who care about you – when you're alone, unemployed, broke with children to provide for, no family for support, no $ for medication its difficult to find purpose or optimism. You know your not alone in diagnosis but the reality is knowing that others are going through similar challenges doesn't help to alleviate the frustration of another day of good intentions ended as it began…and tomorrow has double the work waiting because you couldn't get out of bed and accomplished nothing.

  37. I live everyday fighting depression as well. It's exhausting I can barely make it through a work day. I hate living this way I hate waking up facing it everyday.

  38. I am so pleased I found this site and PREM – you are truly inspirational – thank you – i will be looking you up and reading your book. You have really helped me with lots you have said on here. I’m in my forties and a sinlge mum to two little girls (age 4 and 5). I have struggled with depression for 30 years on and off. I have just come off my meds two months ago, after nine years taking them. I was SO tired on them it was unbearable and felt like a zombie in a fog. Since being off them I feel like I am ME again,have more energy BUT no desire to do anything, no motivation and cry all the time – but the tiredness has left me. It’s catch 22 situation really. On the meds I couldn’t stand the slightest noise – even my girls playing. Now i’m off them I can tollerate the noise. But I just want to lay in bed because I feel depressed and no motivation even though I’m not tired. Everything feels so overwhelming. I have NO family. I have friends but they have busy lives so i don’t see them much. I feel so alone and isolated, even though I chit-chat to the other mums on the school run. I just feel the burden of being a single mum (kids don’t see their dad) is HUGE. I have lost so much confidence it’s unreal so work is out of the question anyway. Prem – you talk about getting support, that’s what i need but I don’t know how to get that? Friends are too busy (they had their kids when they were younger – I started late – so they are at a different life stage). I’m starting to realise that I need to work on ACCEPTING my life /situation/circumstances even though it’s so lonely and hard instead of resenting it. I think that may be the turning point!

  39. As so many others have said, you have expressed that feeling of Tired clearly – and it truly is “tired” with a capital T. It’s easy to wonder…do I just feel this way because I have three kids and I’m exhausted most of the time and I stayed up too late reading? But Tired is different. And debilitating. And seemingly endless.

    I hope that your doctor’s appt was helpful. It’s so hard to feel like your whole experience of your life is hanging on the words of a doctor…a doctor who doesn’t know you and can’t be in your head. But perhaps he will help you discover a new combination of meds that works for you and banishes Tired, at least for a little while.

  40. I am currently huddled up in a little ball on the couch, trying with everything in me to get the motivation to even want to be a mom today. My kids (4 and 2) are so darn tired of hearing “I just can’t right now.” And I am just so darn tired of saying it. I was laying here thinking about what a terrible mom I must be. Like you said – I am just bobbing under the surface of feeling alive. I hate this disease and I hate how helpless I feel, but it helps to know I’m not the only one. Thank you for being honest! It truly does help!

  41. I am so glad that I found this web site. I fight depression everyday and I am not sure what to do anymore. I am exhausted and tired of fighting. I am glad I am not alone.

  42. Thank you Thank you. It is so great to hear that I am not alone. My daughter was also born in 2008 and I am also still struggling with PPD. Yuck – add in early menopause. Somedays I scream – silently in my head since I have my great mom/work face on – how can it be that she is going to school and I am still dealing with all of this? It isn't fair! I used to use the mantra Fake It Til You Make It, but I am starting to wonder if I will ever make it – and faking it seems to take so much work. While I may not get much extra done today, you have inspired me to keep smiling.

    1. I’m glad I’m not the only one who struggles with this. I lost my aunt, husband, grandma, father in law and my father in five yrs. I think the grief turned into depression. Mine has gone on nine months. Depression runs in my family I think my dad was bipolar but never diagnosed. I am on about 8 different psychiatric meds now. Nothing has completely helped yet. I can so relate to ya’ll when people basically say why can’t u just snap out of it…wish I could…I’d like an update if u found the help u needed.

  43. Caffeine could be causing fatigue, depression, and anxiety. It affects us differently when we are young and our bodies can handle it. Something to look in to. There is a book called "Caffeine Blues" that has a lot of good information.

  44. I just cried as I read the post and the comments. I’ve had mild depression for years and it became much worse after my DS was born in 2010. I now work from home and my DD was born in Feb 2013. I am struggling now. Finding it very difficult to focus on any work at all. I have forgotten to pay bills, let our insurance lapse and didn’t know until my husband was in a wreck (he was alright), but it was a wake up call. I am on meds, but I don’t think they work anymore. I have an appointment with a new Psychatrist on April 15th. I am hoping for a good resolution. So TIRED of being TIRED!!

  45. I really urge you to seek out a health care professional specializing in hormone therapy. I battled depression for 14 years, changing meds, upping dosages, adding more meds, adding therapy to no avail. When I finally added hormones to the mix I started feeling like myself again! I'm off RX anti depressants, have lost a ton of weight, can finally sleep at night, and am not constantly tired.

  46. I fell into depression for the first time at the age of 16 on learning my mom had cancer. That was March before I left for college (nearby). I never got out of depression, despite seeing some of the best in the field at some of the world’s most illustrious medical centers. Today, in my 40s, “tired” doesn’t begin to describe how utterly beaten I am. I have NEVER had a day without depression between 16 and 44. Never. Depression, or from my perspective the unmitigated experiences that precipitate it, has ruined my life. I’ve given this fight everything I’ve had. I mean everything. I’ve traveled to foreign countries to seek expert help. I tried religion, self-help books, group therapy, exercise and nutrition, even alternative medicine. I’ve had multiple ECT treatments–including the old bilateral and the newest unilateral pulse techniques. I’ve been forcibly held in hospitals where the staff was either apathetic or frank in their expression of disgust (depression isn’t a real disease, after all; it’s a failure of will and skewed perspective). Nothing has worked.

    Two thoughts now are at the forefront of my mind: when I was in medical school the chair of the psychiatry department, who incidentally was consulting on my case, admitted to me that “some people just don’t respond to drug therapy.” It was years later the term “treatment resistant depression” began to pervade mental health. And the second thought: a friend of mine, out of state, told me via phone one day during my exhausting residency, “It’s not a matter of if you will commit suicide, but when.” He was right.

    1. Abe-have u tried antidepressants or antipsychotics and if so which ones? Did u have success with any of them even for a short period of time?

  47. Just over 5 years of depression & now I have PPD too for the last 8 months. I'm not quit sure "tired" even covers it. How about totally and completely exhausted and weak. Unable to move, feeling paralyzed. The only thing keeping me on this planet is my 4 kids & not wanting them to go through the pain of losing their mom… If something were to happen to me. I'm tired of fighting and I'm beginning to think I'll never be myself again. I'm losing. Somehow I have to find the strength, as a single mom, I HAVE to get better… But these "promising fix all appointments" fail me every time. Nobody can help me and there isn't a perfect cure, it just doesn't exist.

  48. OMG. You are me.
    How do we get over the finish line???? I'm so sick and tired of it.
    I always think of things that will fix me…like getting a job! Getting a job and being accountable for and to something would surely be the answer!!! So I got a job. I love my job. It's just waitressing, so I'm not saving lives or anything, but I like it a lot.
    But now I just have annoying, tiring depression AND A JOB.
    I think I'm more tired.
    When will I find 'THE THING' that is the final, crucial ingredient to my recipe for happiness?
    Exceedingly Frustrated Aussie Mum of two

  49. Wow, I could have wrote that myself. My Son just turned 5 and I have been in a miserable depression since pregnancy. Please please please though, be careful when considering psyc meds. I am currently going thorough withdrawal symptoms of massive proportion due to over medication all done by "one of the best psychiatrist around". I have been on serious meds for 2 years now and was even hospitalized due to side affects. Remember that you can't just come of of pills. Research what others say and don't be a guinea pig for hardly tested drugs. Remember that doctors are here for advice but they don't know your body better than you do. And never feel bad about getting a second opinion. I just don't want anyone to go through the horrific battle I'm currently going through. Trying to get off drugs that were legally prescribed. I try to go to treatment but everyone looks at me like a junky since only drug abusers need rehab. It's awful. Please beware.

    1. I am here and post on my blog every week. I get a lot of comments every day and don’t necessarily see them all. All my contact info is on my contact page, too. Anyway, I cannot remove Angela’s Facebook post. I tried to contact her on Facebook to explain this. The author of the FB post needs to remove the post herself. There should be a little pencil icon that Angela can click on, and then she can select “delete.” It may need to be done from a desktop or laptop. Thanks, JD

  50. Almost 17 years for me. No PPD, but your words sound like you know me. Sure I can be depressed but getting up early, exercising, getting things done as long as 2-3 months. Then one day I'm just tired and that one day has turned into 4 months!! It's great to know that others are out there and they have as much trouble explaining how I feel as they do.

  51. "the only thing keeping me on this planet is my 4 kids and not wanting them to go through the pain of losing their mom…" I couldn't sum it up any better. i'm so not the person I used to be. I hate being wired like this. I hate having this gene. i have gone through life just wanting to be normal….like others seem to be. I've tried therapy medication doctors pyschs social workers alcohol journaling exercise and nothing has stuck. At times I'm fine and then there are days like this – agoraphobic and scared and paralyzed. paralyazed by something i can't explain. This battle has been going on for years…..for as long as I can remember. My anxiety has crippled me for decades. it's the hardest battle I have ever fought and I feel like I'm losing and i'm exhausted.

  52. I really understand this and I am currently realising I am depressed. I really don't know what to do and I have felt this way for the last 2 years. My dad dies 5 monhs ago and I feel even worse now. I have been to the doctor and they tried to tell me I'm not depressed, just going through a hard time. My daughters dad left me 3 years ago and had 2 kids right after we broke up and I've been single since then. I feel lonely and hopeless and find It really hard being a single mum with no support. I acctually think I hate being a mum. I really need help as I have realised I am starting to hate myself for feeling this way. I'm crying as I type this. I don't kno what to do. I'm so tired of being sick and tired.

  53. Hi. I envy you being a single mum to 4 kids! I have 1 and she is 5 and I am finding it really hard. I think I'm taking a lot out on her. I feel so guilty about It. I don't know what to do. How do you deal with being depressed and being a mum at the same time? Have you tried meds? I haven't as I feel like I shouldn't need them and I should be strong enough not to take anything but I think I may need them. That makes me feel weak too. Sorry if I sound all me me me but I really don't know what to do.

  54. This completely resonated with me. I have been battling depression for over 10 years. I'm 32 and had my first child 14mos ago, with a terrible bout of PPD to follow, and now a divorce on the heels of it. I don't know how I am still standing.

  55. I feel the same. My daughter is the ONLY reason I am alive today. Just thinking of the future and how I will feel like this probably my entire life is exhausting enough, nevermind having to live through it.

    1. My Grand Daughter and Husband are why I’m still here but he passed away 1 1/2 months ago and its getting really hard again. Its worse then ever and its been 33 Years of depression for me. I’m 43 now. It has never went away only gets better for awhile and then comes back. Its a fight everyday for me some times just getting threw 5 minutes at a time. Meds help but they are no cure all. I wish I had some good news to share. I’ve found that you need to fine a reason to keep going. Mine is my 2 granddaughters that we were raising.

  56. I have been dealing with depression off and on for years, but I am not a candidate for anti depressents as they have made my symptoms much worse. I feel jealous for those who the pills work for but then I see people who are still suffering on them. my only help is through my psychologist. I react to most every medicine I sm given so other meds do not work as well. If there was only a way to know what we all individually need in order to move through……

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