Here are the candy conversation hearts that moms want

Candy conversation hearts for moms

Hello moms, and happy Valentine’s Day! Does your house look like Cupid threw up all over it? I can’t even see the table in our sunroom. It’s a sea of heart stickers, heart pencils, valentine-themed erasers, pink paper, white doilies, and all sorts of sticky sweet sentiments. This year I stood my ground and banned the glitter. As we all know, that crap is the herpes of the craft world and mama ain’t got time for de-sparkling her house. I swear I’m still finding glitter in my hair from last year’s Valentine’s Day craftastrophes.

Given the big V-Day is looming, we’re living on a steady diet of candy conversation hearts around here. Those things are addictive, aren’t they? I’m not even a big candy person, but those little white hearts are delish and I can’t stop won’t stop eating them. I love looking at the little messages on them and seeing how they’ve changed over the years. Pretty sure that TEXT ME and BFF weren’t around in the 80s, right? I bet MY BAE and TURNT UP are next and that’s okay, just as long as they never get rid of LOVE BUG. That’s my fave.

But wouldn’t it be great if we moms had our very own candy conversation hearts? Ones that could deliver a not-so-subtle message to our offspring about what we really want on Valentine’s Day? I pondered this last year and came up with a few conversation hearts for our kids (and our husbands) that I’d like to see some fabulous candy maker create. Sadly, no one’s fulfilled my wishes yet, but I am undeterred! This year I created more sweet sentiments for my dear darling children. Take a look…

18 candy conversation hearts that moms want!

What do you think? Should I get into the candy making business so my snarky candy hearts can brighten the Valentine’s Days of moms everywhere?

If you could write your own conversation hearts for your kids or spouse, what would they say?

18 funny candy conversation hearts that moms would love! Click To Tweet

photo credit: “Conversation Hearts” via Deviant Art (license)

Can I put a doily on her head and call it done? And other last-weeks-of-school ruminations.

When will school be over so summer can start?!

18.5 days. That’s how many school days are left for us. And I tell you, I am waving the white flag. Waving it high.

I want to be done. I want to just say WHATEVER to the science project display board, backwards crazy hair day, and the kindergarten reading marathon fundraiser.

I mean, when are we supposed to have time to help our kids get pledges for a fundraiser in the last weeks of school? In that 23 seconds I have after I help my kid with homework while I also cook for teacher appreciation week and before dance recital rehearsal? Don’t forget work and laundry and all the normal crap. Yes, this is the perfect time for a fundraiser! Great idea!

And then my third-grader comes home with the very thrilling news that she gets to be Florence Nightingale for her Living Museum Project. And she has to dress up just like her. And this is happening soon so we have to get her costume ready.

This should be easy to re-create. Think I can put some doilies on my kid’s head and call it a day?
This should be easy to re-create. Think I can put some doilies on my kid’s head and call it a day?

You know, I say I’m waving the white flag, but really I’m making a flag. A (loosely interpreted) American flag in my kid’s hair with hair chalk. We’re practicing for her school concert because she has to look patriotic and somehow we can’t find any red, white, and blue clothing in the half-folded mishmash of winter and summer clothes that is in every drawer of her dresser. Because I just can’t find time to sort through them right now. BECA– USE FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE. Maybe there’s a red shirt in the festering pile of laundry that mocks me every time I pass it?

Ah, crap, I’ll just do the freaking hair chalk. That’s easier than tackling the laundry. There’s a duvet cover in there that we used in the winter and it scares me. (Because it’s May.)

You know, I think I might end up stealing Jen Hatmaker’s Worst End of School Year Mom Ever crown. Because instead of listening to my kindergartener sloooooowly read out loud to me for 20 minutes so she can get another star for her reading marathon chart, I’m thinking about wine and how good it tastes and how much I want some. Sweet Jen Hatmaker is singing church hymns in her head while her kids read. I’m daydreaming about alcohol. I win.

18.5 more days. We can do this, fellow moms. We can.

And if your kids are out of school already and complaining they’re bored, send them on over. I’ve got a Florence Nightingale costume project with their names written allllll over it.

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Top 4 ridiculous “holidays” Pinterest wants you to celebrate

Top 4 crazy holidays Pinterest wants you to celebrate

Top 4 crazy holidays Pinterest wants you to celebrate

Lots of people complain that “Pinterest Moms” have ruined it for the rest of us. “It” being every holiday. Every day. Every thing, really.

I’m sure you know of one of these moms. She probably recently created a two-story Saint Patrick’s Day leprechaun trap and green organic tofu milkshakes that tasted just like McDonald’s Shamrock Shakes.

But you know what? I’m not going to totally bash the Pinterest Moms of the world because I have a secret: There is a little bit of a Pinterest Mom within me. I can make some pretty awesome Christmas ornaments and, yes, sometimes I even make holiday-themed bento box lunches.

Plus I threw not one, but two Frozen birthday parties last year, complete with tissue-paper poufs, twinkling lights, and cupcakes topped with “ice candy.”

So there it is. I’m woman enough to own up to my craftiness.

However, I do not advocate going all-out for every “holiday” that Those Who Rule Pinterest celebrate with gusto. Seriously, you guys would not believe some of the holidays the Pinterest wants you to go all out for. Recently I stumbled across these gems:

Administrative Professionals’ Day: I absolutely, positively roll my eyes so hard I see my brain stem at the suggestion of crafting in the name of Administrative Professionals’ Day. For cripes sake, I was an editorial assistant and I know all I wanted was a gift card and the promise that I could actually take a lunch break that day. No Mountain Dew crafts necessary, thankyouverymuch.

I DEW not want this, unless there is an actual $100 grand hidden in that candy bar.
I DEW not want this, unless there is an actual $100 grand hidden in that candy bar.

Boss’ Day: Okay, first of all, what a dumb holiday. I’d never give my boss a gift. But apparently crafty people with brown noses do. I did a search on Pinterest and found stuff like coffee mugs with tags that say, “Thanks a latte for all that you do!” Or this candy-bar themed thank-you card. News flash: The way to a boss’ heart isn’t through kissing up with coffee and candy. It’s through kicking butt at your job.

Hey Boss! Here’s some candy. How about a nice review and a raise, hmmmm?
Hey Boss! Here’s some candy. How about a nice review and a raise, hmmmm?

Grandparents’ Day: Aw, I know, we all love grandma and grandpa. But come on. We already have Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. I’m pretty sure grandMOTHERs and grandFATHERs are already parents. Do we really have to double up on the stress of pleasing our parents with picture-perfect Pinterest crafts from our kids?

Super cute. But not twice a year, okay?
Super cute. But not twice a year, okay?

Sweetest Day: Oh, just what we need. Another Valentine’s Day to make everyone feel inadequate, whether it’s for being single or for not spending enough time or cash on their loved ones. Yay!

Learn how to crochet or disappoint your loved one.
Learn how to crochet or disappoint your loved one.

I mean, what’s next, Pinterest? Crafts for National Explosive Ordinance Disposal Day? (Celebrated on May 2 this year, so get ready!) Or how about the slightly more accessible Patriots’ Day? That’s a biggie up here in the Boston area. Why hasn’t anyone come up with the idea of Revolutionary War elves who bring kids chocolate muskets while they sleep? You’re letting me down, Pinterest!

Listen, if you’re a craftastic mom, God bless you. By all means, go on with your awesome self. Make your kiddo’s birthday and lunch box magical. I’m in your corner. I’ll come on over and make twenty bridal shower party favors with you and love every second of it.

But please, for the love of all that’s holy, do NOT turn June’s oft-forgotten Flag Day into a new Pinterest holiday. If it becomes a thing to have a patriotic Elf on the Shelf who does all sorts of mischievous, messy things to my house from Flag Day to July 4th, I swear to God, I’m moving to Canada. Please don’t make me move to Canada.*

*There is absolutely nothing wrong with Canada. I love you Canadians, I swear. I just hate packing and it’s cold enough in Massachusetts and my kids would be really mad if I left them for Canada.

Hey, by the way, if you liked this post, you should really check out the new book I’m in, I STILL Just Want to Pee Alone”!

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