Category: Managing mom depression

To all the moms dealing with PPD and depression this Mother’s Day

mothers-day-rally1Many of you Honest Mom readers struggle or have struggled with PPD, depression, anxiety, or other mental illnesses.

Maybe some of your Mother’s Days in the past have been less than ideal because of it. Or maybe this year it’s going to be a really hard day for you.

As I’ve said many times here on this blog, you are not alone.

There are so many women around the world who aren’t going to have a happy Mother’s Day because they are struggling with mental illness. To reach out and help these moms – especially new moms – the wonderful Katherine Stone at Postpartum Progress created the annual Mother’s Day Rally for Moms’ Mental Health.

And this year, I’m thrilled to be a part of it.

The Mother’s Day Rally features 24 letters written to struggling moms – one letter posted each hour of the day, starting at midnight of Mother’s Day. All the letters are written by survivors of PPD, postpartum anxiety, postpartum OCD, depression after weaning, and/or postpartum psychosis.

The Rally participants wrote these letters to inform and encourage pregnant and new moms who are struggling with their emotional health. I wrote about PPD, rage, and having the courage to get help, because I know the anger that often comes with PPD and depression isn’t talked about enough.

Many mom bloggers you may recognize are part of the Rally this year: Lauren from My Postpartum Voice, Miranda from Not Super Just Mom, Cristi from Motherhood Unadorned, Robin from Farewell Stranger, Jen from The Martha Project, Lori from I Can Grow People, and Jaime from James and Jax. And that’s just a sampling of the amazing and inspiring women who are involved.

My letter is live on Postpartum Progress, and I hope you’ll give it a read and leave a comment to encourage other moms who are having a tough time right now.

And if you are struggling, or you know someone who is, take some time to read through the amazing Rally letters. Even if you’re not specifically dealing with PPD, I am sure you will find some words of comfort in the voices who are speaking out.

I hope all of you – battling PPD or not – have at least a few moments of well-deserved peace this Mother’s Day.

Sending all you mamas love and hugs,

JD

 

(Image from Postpartum Progress)

Dealing with the loss of my dad – three years later

dealing with the loss of my dadThree years ago yesterday, I became a part of a club that no one wants to join. I knew just a few people in it and I hoped I would never be forced to be a member. But unwillingly, I was inducted into it one chilly spring day.

Three years ago, my dad died suddenly of a stroke. He was just 66. Looking for Honest Voices

My dad and I had a complicated relationship. My childhood wasn’t always idyllic and I have some terrible memories of things he did and said. He was a man whose life did not turn out the way he planned it to, and it often made him bitter and angry.

Now that I am an adult and have been battling depression, I understand a lot of my dad’s actions stemmed from his own untreated depression. The passage of time has given me the needed space to see this. And I’ve realized that a lot of what I battle against are qualities my dad had, too.

Short tempered. Easily frustrated. Sad for no apparent reason. Wanting to shut out the world and retreat into a solitary hobby. Social with others, yet feeling isolated deep inside.

All of this describes both of us.

Yet these are not the things I dwell upon when I think about my dad. And unlike my dad, I reached out for help. I am trying to manage my depression and not let it beat me down. I know I don’t want to end up bitter and angry and I’m working hard to prevent it.

And there are many positive qualities I got from my dad: I love to garden. I am intelligent (though this whole motherhood thing has zapped many brain cells, for sure). I enjoy helping others. I am (well, I used to be) a good tennis player. I read and absorb books quickly, love the internet and social media, have meticulous attention to detail when it counts, and have a goofy sense of humor.

All things I got from my dad.

My dad mellowed out as he got older. His temper calmed and he got slightly more laid back. He really liked Hubs and truly enjoyed having another guy around. When he became a grandfather, I saw a whole new side of him. Or maybe it wasn’t a new side – maybe it was the dad I knew when I was little.

I feel robbed that he was taken from me too early. I’m angry that just as he was becoming the dad I wanted, he was gone. I’m pissed that Grace will never know him and that Annie barely remembers him.

I’m resentful that I’m in the club I’m in – the club of people who lost a parent too early.

But I try not to let the resentment and the anger and the sadness take over. That’s the stuff I fight against. And one of the ways I manage those negative emotions is through the beloved hobby my dad, mom, and I share – gardening.

On or near the anniversary of my dad’s death, I get out and I garden like crazy. Here in the northeast, late April is usually the beginning of the gardening season, and it’s therapeutic to see new life popping up all around me.

I get my hands dirty. I wear myself out digging up and dividing hostas (my dad’s favorite plant), digging big holes to transfer plants to, filling those holes with sweetly pungent dirt.

I water the plants the way my dad taught me – put the hosta in the new hole, flood the new hole with water, let the plant absorb it, then fill with dirt, fertilize, and re-water.

The physical work helps me release the sadness and tension in my body. I exhaust myself and then sleep peaceful, dreamless sleep.

The next morning I look upon my work and know that my dad would be proud. That he is proud. And I swear that I can feel him smiling down at me as he digs in his big hosta garden in the sky.

 

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photo credit: Leonard John Matthews via photopin cc

When taking antidepressants kind of sucks



when taking antidepressants kind of sucksI’m a big proponent of taking antidepressants to manage depression. I’m all for them. Anyone who reads this blog knows that. But that doesn’t mean that I think they will make life perfect and all better, all the time.

For example: You know what can suck about antidepressants? When you have side effects. And man, have I been feeling them lately.reminder

I haven’t posted much over the last couple of weeks because I haven’t been feeling great. I’ve been dealing with anxiety, which is unusual for me. Things like chest tightness, obsession with lists, getting really upset and teary about how miserably I’m failing at everything. Fun stuff.

I’ve also had trouble concentrating and I get distracted easily – which makes it pretty hard to sit down and write. And to top it all off, I’m having trouble sleeping.

Anxiety + poor sleep = tired, unfocused, even more anxious JD.

I stare at my list of to-dos and fret over how little I’m getting done. I sit down to write and get distracted by Facebook. I lie down to sleep and my thoughts race as I keep going over all the things I didn’t accomplish – and wonder how I’m going to get it all done the next day.

And then I wake up with a sense of dread, knowing I’m going to fail at getting my to-dos done. Again.

I’m pretty sure what I’m going through are some side effects of the citalopram (Celexa). I can feel the symptoms starting to lighten, and I’m not sure if it’s because the stress in my life has eased up a bit, or if my body has just become accustomed to the dose I’m on. Who knows, really. But I am feeling better, slowly.

However, when I’m not doing well for an extended period of time I always wonder deep down – is this it? Is it happening? Is this med wearing off and it’s time to switch to another?

Because that’s another thing that can suck about SSRIs. For some people, including me, they lose their effectiveness eventually. And you have to try a new one. Which means possibly going through new, fun side effects. Dosage adjustments. And being patient while you give the med time to work out the kinks before you judge if it’s not right for you.

SSRIs losing their effectiveness is called the “poop-out effect.” Cute little name. Not so cute to go through, you know? I appreciate what SSRIs can do for me, but even when I feel good, part of me is always waiting to feel bad again. Because I know I will, eventually.

So how am I getting through this down phase?

When I’m dealing with a down phase for whatever reason, I first try to make some non-medical changes. Right now I am increasing my activity and going back to group training. I’m also trying to work out sometimes with Hubs when he does his Insanity videos. It’s been proven over and over that exercise helps people who struggle with depression, and I do see a difference when I’m active.

I’ve also been offline more. It helps me to step away from the computer and not feel the need to stay on top of every social media site and read every blog post. Yeah, I owe a lot of people a lot of emails (and I know some of them are to you readers who emailed me after my Katie Couric show interview – trust me, I will reply!). But being online can increase my anxiety, so I’ve been taking a step back.

And finally – I’m trying to get more sleep. It’s tough because I know the earlier I go to bed, the less things on my list I get to. But sleep is crucial – so I’m trying to get more.

Yeah … the side effects and the poop-out effect can be a total bummer. But in the end, I’m still glad I have SSRIs to take. Because without them, I’d be in a far worse place.

What about you? Do you have side effects from SSRIs? Do they lose their effectiveness eventually for you? What non-medical tactics do you use to manage your depression?

 

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photo credit: benchilada via photopin cc

Controversy reigns, but hope remains.


Once again, the conversation about moms and meds is stirring up controversy. And once again, I’m thinking many people are simply missing the point.

The reason I went on Katie Couric’s show this week to talk about moms, meds, and depression was the same reason why I write about it: to help lift the stigma and let other moms know they aren’t alone.

I felt going on Katie’s show would put a face to depression and help people to understand that regular, normal people deal with it. And from the countless messages and comments I’ve received from moms, I know many women breathed a sigh of relief when they heard my words, realizing they are not alone.

The problem is, there are still plenty of people who do not get it, and voice opinions like these about me and the other women on the show:

…that depression or anxiety can be solved by just relaxing a little: “I’m a mom of three and understand the stress of being the perfect mom … but wouldn’t take a pill or drink to make things better. When stress hits, meditate, take a break and relax.”

…that we take medication or have a glass of wine to be able to “tolerate” our children: “I can honestly say I loved being with my kids when they were small … never felt like I needed anything to be able to tolerate my children.”

And my favorite … that we’re actually a bunch of whiners and maybe should never have had kids: “these mom’s don’t know what work is, 50 years ago it was a lot harder & nobody whined about it or Used to cope.”

“What is wrong with this generation??? I had 3 kids, spread out in age, kept a clean house, cooked meals from scratch, volunteered in the schools and worked part time. Never had the thoughts of drinking taking meds. Buck up, girls. You must have too much time on your hands…”

“If you cannot deal with being a mother, without drinking or taking medication, perhaps you should not have had them. This is pathetic. Try exercising with your children…like going to the park?”

MISSING. THE. POINT.

Let’s get something straight. The women on the show who need medication for ADD, anxiety, and/or depression aren’t “taking drugs” for kicks. We have chemical imbalances in our brains that require medication.

We’re not whining. We’re not having a hard time due to lack of exercise. WE HAVE A MEDICAL CONDITION.

And you know what? Occasionally having a glass of wine with friends while the kids play does not equal alcoholism or bad parenting, people.

All these women commenting online who “never have to resort to pills” or whose own mothers “lived in a tougher time without all the stuff we had today and did just fine” – well, that’s just great. I’m happy for you. Truly.

I’m happy that your mother didn’t have PPD or depression or ADD or anxiety.

I’m happy that if she did, she managed it successfully so you’d never know.

I’m happy that you have no problem sailing through life and enjoying every minute.

And I’m happy that you can simply meditate your everyday stresses away.

Really. I’m glad that you had a rosy childhood and that things are going well for you.

But not everyone’s like you. And your words sound kind of mean and like you’re rubbing your happy, perfect life in our faces. So please be more kind and stop with the judging, m’kay?

(Gosh, it’s just so hard to understand why women are afraid to admit they deal with mental health issues, huh?)

You know, at the end of the day, there will always be controversy over this topic. People are still not comfortable with depression and chronic illnesses that reside in the brain.

Yet what gives me hope is, from what I’ve seen, the positive comments about the women on the episode of “Katie” that I was on FAR outweigh the negative.

Honestly, it took me this long to write a follow-up post about the show because I’m still reading through all the lovely comments people have left on my Facebook page. I’m still responding to thankful emails from people. I’m still going through messages of support, hope, and optimism overflowing from my social media accounts.

The controversy is what attracts attention. But in the end, it’s not what will last.

What will last is the caring, the support, and the kind words that so many women have been showing each other as they courageously talk about their depression and other battles.

What will last are the communities of like-minded, supportive moms on sites like Moms Who Need Wine, Honest Mom, and countless others.

What will last is the hope that the more we talk, the less we’ll judge.

That’s what will last.

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