Category: Mom humor

March 11, 2013

“I Just Want to Pee Alone” I screamed. Because it’s the title of my first book.

You read that correctly. I am officially published in a book. And it’s a funny book, too. I mean really, how could it not be with a title like I Just Want to Pee Alone?

This fabulousness is the brain child of one of my favorite funny ladies, Jen from People I Want to Punch in the Throat, and features original essays by Jen, me, and 35 other mom bloggers – many of whom I’m sure you know. Check it out:

So what’s the book actually about? I’m so glad you asked! Here’s an official summary:

Motherhood is the toughest – and funniest – job you’ll ever love. Raising kids is hard work. The pay sucks, your boss is a tyrant, and the working conditions are pitiful – you can’t even take a bathroom break without being interrupted with another outrageous demand.

Hasn’t every mother said it before? “I just want to pee alone!”

I Just Want to Pee Alone is a collection of hilarious essays from 37 of the most awesome mom bloggers on the web. Read hysterical essays like:

Embarrassment, Thy Name is Motherhood
A Pinterest-Perfect Mom, I am Not
And Then There was that Time a Priest Called Me a Terrible Mother (that’s mine!)
So She Thought She Could Cut Off My Stroller

Fair warning: This book is for adults. It’s definitely R-rated for language and adult content. Not a good Mother’s Day gift for your conservative auntie. But a great one for your best friend.

So what are you waiting for? Go ahead and buy your copy of I Just Want to Pee Alone now – paperback or Kindle – or get it on iTunes here. The reviews are in and they all say you’ll love it. And I honestly think you will, too.

PS : I’m proud to say that before we’ve even started truly promoting it, the book is already a #1 best seller in Amazon’s Humor: Parenting & Families category. And already in the top 20 of the overall Humor & Entertainment category – like ALL humor and entertainment books on Amazon! HOLY CRAP!

PPS : Katie Couric, Huffington Post, and being published in a book have not given me a big head. I swear. I still live in yoga pants, schlep my kids around, dole out countless snacks, and clean gross things. Plus I don’t have time to go get this fancy gel manicure removed (that I got for the show), so as a bonus, I also have nasty looking nails. Nope. No delusions of grandeur here. Now excuse me while I dash to the bathroom. Undoubtedly, NOT ALONE.

PPS : Here’s a list of all the fabulous contributors to the book – check them out!

People I Want to Punch in the Throat
Insane in the Mom Brain
The Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva
Baby Sideburns
Rants From Mommyland
You Know it Happens at Your House Too
The Underachiever’s Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess
My Life and Kids
Bad Parenting Moments
Let Me Start By Saying
Frugalista Blog
Suburban Snapshots
Ninja Mom
Four Plus an Angel
Honest Mom
Binkies and Briefcases
Naps Happen
Kelley’s Break Room
Toulouse & Tonic
HouseTalkN
Hollow Tree Ventures
The Fordeville Diaries
Snarkfest
Mom’s New Stage
Nurse Mommy Laughs
The Dose of Reality
The Mom of the Year
Life on Peanut Layne
Momaical
Cloudy, With a Chance of Wine
Confessions of a Cornfed Girl
I Love Them Most When They’re Sleeping
Random Handprints
RachRiot
You’re My Favorite Today
Funny is Family
My Real Life

February 24, 2013

In which I make goofy confessions for all of Facebook to read.

It all started with an innocent confession as I sat in a chair in my daughter’s room, waiting for her to fall asleep.

Yes, I do that.

And apparently a lot of you do, too. Because when I admitted it on Facebook, 100 people liked it and 28 people chimed in, confessing they did the same thing.

Hmmmm, I thought. We are honest moms, indeed.

So I fessed up to this one:

Hundreds of people admitted to doing the EXACT SAME THING.

Not only that, but I was thrilled to read that many of you also forget your wet laundry in the dryer for days and rewash it because it gets stinky. And re-dry your clothes in the dryer over and over, hoping it’ll get the wrinkles out.

We are a sisterhood of laundry avoiders.

Next, I admitted that I may not always be attending to official business when I’m in the bathroom:

Me too! chorused the masses. I, too, do whatever it takes to get in a game of Words With Friends or play on Facebook for 10 minutes!

But some of you poor mamas have kiddos who won’t let you even tend to your needs in the loo alone. I remember those days.

Now, however, my kids just bang on the door and proclaim they need me RIGHT NOW MAMA because they must have a snack / are dying of thirst / need help with putting on a fairy costume IMMEDIATELY.

And really, unless I hear crying or screaming? I tune them out.

Then, as I was thinking about my oh-so-riveting social life on Saturday night, I threw up a quick question on Facebook:

“Ah, another fabulous, exciting Saturday night, folding laundry before crashing at 9:45pm. Good times, good times. Is anyone’s night as riveting as mine? Or do some of you actually, you know, do stuff and go places?”

Apparently I am not alone. You people are as boring as me. My laundry folding and TV watching was frankly a big wild party compared to some of you. Martinis and Minivans busying herself by chowing down multiple Little Debbie snack cakes. Mrs. HouseTalkN herself was in her jammies by 8pm. And one mom wasn’t even aware it was Saturday.

Today, to round up my series of confessions, I told the Facebook masses about my guilty little secret:

I don’t exactly hurry my way through the grocery store when I get to go alone. I may even dawdle. You, too, huh?

“As refreshing as a trip to the spa,” agreed one mom. And RachRiot loves her grocery getaway, too: “It’s like a little vacay, plus my grocery store plays kick-ass ’80′s music. WIN.”

So many moms, so many confessions, so fun to read. I still can’t get over the fact that I am not the only one who is hopelessly laundry-challenged. THANK GOD I am not alone.

Fess up – do you do these things? What other “bad mom” stuff would you like to confess to?

Follow @JDhonestMom

February 18, 2013

The Bible Should Come with a Parental Advisory Warning

Did you ever think one night, when picking out a bedtime story to read to your young child,

“Hey, we should read this book – it’s filled with murder and mayhem, natural disasters, and the occasional zombie! Guaranteed sweet dreams!”

I’m guessing not.

Well, there was this one book that had been sitting on my kids’ bookshelf for years, collecting dust. I didn’t think much of it. And when my little kid asked me to read it to her, I thought, why not?

It seemed wholesome. Filled with great life lessons. With darling pictures, to boot.

The book that my daughter’s precious little paws were grasping? A kiddie Bible.

Aw, I thought, She wants to read about Jesus. Isn’t that cute?

But it turns out it wasn’t cute. At all.

Now before you get your undies in a bunch about me calling the Bible “not cute,” let me tell you I’m speaking from a (small) position of authority.

I was a Big Time Catholic in the past. We’re talking the kind of person who went to Catholic summer camp, led retreats, taught CCD, and had the big, fancy Catholic wedding.

I won’t get into all the reasons I’m not a Big Time Catholic now. I’m not here to start a fight about religion. Though that could be fun … okay, I won’t go there.

But I am here to help you learn from my mistakes. Because woman, if you want to take on the kiddie Bible, you’d better be prepared.

I sure wasn’t ready for these fun topics to come up:

Jesus going back to Heaven
“Why is Jesus floating up into the clouds? Does he live in outer space?”

Creationism vs. evolution
“Who came first, dinosaurs or people? Did the dinosaurs eat the people?”

Working is for suckers
“Why does Mary sit and listen to Jesus tell stories and Martha does all the work, and Jesus says Mary is smart to not work?”

Are zombies real?
“If Jesus made Lazarus live again, can he make grandpa live again?”

If you’re not good, watch out!
“When there was that big flood, what happened to all the other people and animals? Can that happen again to us?”

The birds and the bees
“How did Jesus get in Mary’s belly? Is that how I got in your belly?”

Suffice it to say, I was reduced to a babbling idiot when faced with all these questions.

And it wasn’t only the questions that perplexed me. How about those pictures of the beaten Samaritan, lying on the side of the road? Jesus hanging from a cross? A whale swallowing up a human being? Those are some great bedtime images, huh?

Sweet dreams, darling!

After a few nights of this torture, I sneakily hid the kiddie Bible while my kiddo was entranced by a Dora the Explorer marathon and lied, lied, lied when she asked if I knew where it was. She persisted for a while, but then Jesus got eclipsed by the Disney Princesses, and the Bible has been mercifully forgotten.

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. My daughter now prefers a hussy mermaid to your holy stories.

Someday I’ll have my day of reckoning and will have to explain to The Big Guy why I steered my daughter away from the Bible and toward stories about cartoon princesses intent on catching husbands and the adventures of a big-headed, unsupervised exploring preschooler and her monkey friend.

But it’s okay. I’m sleeping peacefully. Because my kids are not having nightmares about zombies and floods and therefore, waking me up at night. Nope. Sleeping like a baby here.

And anyway, I’m sure God will understand. He is a Father, after all, right?

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February 8, 2013

9 (humorous) tips to survive a snowstorm with kids

Before I get to the funny stuff, I want to welcome all you new readers that discovered Honest Mom because of my Scary Mommy post, “Rage: The Scariest Symptom of PPD.” I’m so excited you’re here!

Reading all the comments in the post and on Scary Mommy’s Facebook page made for a very emotional day for me. People thanked me for writing about this terrifying and seldom talked about PPD symptom. Countless women said they no longer feel alone after reading my post, and many said they were picking up the phone and getting help for their depression.

All day, I kept thinking that I wrote this one little blog post, and hundreds of women said they go through the same thing. Imagine how many didn’t comment, but nodded along as they read. And then imagine how many women out there didn’t read that post and are fighting depression on their own, wondering what on earth is wrong with them.

Hundreds of thousands, probably. Maybe millions.

It just made me more determined to keep speaking out, spreading the word, and helping moms everywhere know that they are not alone in this battle. That there is help. And they can and will get better.

“Being a mom means doing hard things. And sometimes the hardest thing is asking for the help you need.”

If you are feeling the symptoms of PPD or depression, don’t be ashamed. There’s NOTHING to be ashamed of. Pick up the phone and call your doctor. You can do hard things, mama. You can and will feel better.

Now let’s do a 180 and have some giggles! God knows that those of us on the East Coast need them this weekend.

9 (funny) Tips to Survive a Snowstorm with Kids

“Nemo” may sound like a cute little fish that just keeps swimming. But this weekend, Nemo is a great big bastard of a beast that is going to just keep snowing here in the Boston area.

You may have heard that some folks west of Boston are going to get 2-3 feet of snow. Guess who’s smack in the middle of that area? Me. Lucky me. And considering the track record of our utilities company, I don’t have high hopes that our power is going to stay on. Good times.

But we are prepared in the Bailey household! Because back when Superstorm Sandy was bearing down on us, I came up with a list of essentials that every mom should have on hand in times like these.

I’m not talking flashlights and batteries, moms. I’m talking about the IMPORTANT stuff:

1. Tylenol. Lots and lots of Tylenol to dull the pain of your children’s incessant whining.

2. A fully-charged iPhone and/or iPad to commiserate with other moms on Twitter and Facebook.

3. A bottle or five of wine. See #1.

4. Chocolate or sweet treats of your choice. Hide well from the kids.

5. A good set of earplugs to block out the ear-splitting noise of your neighbor’s generator when you are trying to sleep in your freezing-cold house. Also see: whining kids.

6. Red Bull or other energy drink – because you won’t be able to brew coffee (GASP!).

7. Do you still have some of those squeezie stress balls that companies love to give out? They’ll come in handy. Trust me.

8. A steamy novel you’ve been meaning to read when you have to surrender your iPhone to your kids to get them to Just. Be. QUIET. Which leads me to…

9. Protection. So you don’t have an unexpected new family member in nine months. (No heat, remember? Gotta stay warm!)

Stay safe everyone, and good luck! Oh, and for those of you in other parts of the country … well, zip it, alright? I don’t want to hear about your beautiful weather. Not today, anyway. ;-)

What would you add to the mom snowstorm survival kit list?

PS : Need some (non-steamy) reading for the snowstorm? Check out 50 Ways to Be Positive, a free eBook that I’m in!

I partnered with the b Positive Project, Anna from My Life and Kids and 17 more bloggers to create it (but honestly, Anna did ALL the work). From wrinkles, to depression – from parenting with humor to inspiring our husbands *wink* – this eBook might make you think. It might make you cry. It will definitely make you laugh out loud. Check it out!

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