If you’ve been reading my blog for a little while, you may know I freak out every month, thinking I’m preggers. This month is no exception. I am currently wigging out. Which makes me super pleasant to be around. Just ask Hubs.
And there is NO REASON to freak out. I mean, I had an ultrasound last week (checking for fibroids, which I have none of, yay!) and there was no little fetus in there.
But of course my brain is all, but what if you were just pregnant and they couldn’t see the little bug?
And so – I’m freaking out. I’m waiting. And watching. And freaking out. I am resisting using a pregnancy test because even if – when – it’s negative, I won’t believe it. So why spend the cash? Right? Right?
The other thing that’s been on my mind is Father’s Day. My dad unexpectedly passed away two years ago, so Father’s Day is a bag of mixed emotions for me.
It’s a fun day because my husband is pretty much the best dad EVER, and we love telling him that all day long around here. We host a party for my husband’s side of the family, and this year’s was probably the best one ever. Perfect weather, great food, I was prepared and got to actually hang out, and everyone stayed all day long.
And yet, it’s a strange day because my dad is gone. But Father’s Day has always been a strange day for me.
I haven’t really talked about my relationship with my dad on my blog, just the emotions I have been dealing with since he died. I tend to avoid thinking about that part of my childhood.
But when I read Kim’s post about imperfect Father’s Days, I paused. In it, she says, “It’s okay if you can’t be found spending hours searching for the perfect Father’s Day card … because of an imperfect relationship with your dad.”
That’s exactly how I feel.
My family is a card-sending family. My mom keeps Hallmark in business. Even if the world stops selling paper cards, the woman will stockpile them so she can still send cards to every conceivable relative for every conceivable holiday for the rest of her life.
So it was a given that I had to send cards to her and my dad for every conceivable holiday. Including Father’s Day.
So every upcoming Father’s Day (and my parents’ anniversary, but that’s another story) during my adult life, I spent uncomfortable moments at Target staring at the cards, wondering what to send my father.
I usually ended up picking something funny because my dad liked funny cards. And there were no cards that said what I wanted to say:
I really thought I might have hated you for many years, but now I’m not so sure.
I am starting to forgive you for making my childhood so miserable so often.
I am happy you are mellowing as you grow older and I am finally getting to know you and understand why my mom married you in the first place.
Hallmark doesn’t make those cards. Because even if someone wanted to send them, no one wants to receive them.
So, yeah, I get what Kim was talking about. And yeah, I’ve been feeling anxious and down and generally yucky over the past week.
But I’m getting through it better than I have in the past.
Anyway. Today I have lots of random things to do – put together end-of-year teacher gifts, go to Target (and resist buying 10 pregnancy tests), cook dinner for a friend who just had a baby, do laundry, dishes, etc. etc. etc.
And through it all, I’ll be waiting. And wondering.
And I’ll joyfully update you all on Facebook when I have an update. Because I know you’re waiting with bated breath, right? God knows I am.
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