I’m still looking for the joy.

I’ve been kind of quiet lately. Maybe you’ve noticed.

It’s because I’ve been feeling down again. Exhausted. Sad. Irritable. Frustrated.

But I just haven’t really felt like talking about it. Or writing about it.

So I’ve been quiet.

I’ve been really open about my battle with depression since I started Honest Mom. But sometimes even I just don’t want to get into it. And I haven’t wanted to lately.

I’ve just been so frustrated for the past few weeks. And feeling so GUILTY. Which is totally unproductive, of course. I know I can’t help the chemicals in my brain that are being all wacky right now.

But illogically, I still can’t help thinking, Why, oh why, is this happening to me? What is my freaking problem?

I have a great husband. Great kids. An ideal part-time job. Life is good. What is the issue? Just get OVER IT and be HAPPY, I want to yell at myself.

But of course I can’t just get over it, no matter how much I want to. That’s not the way it works.

So for two weeks I’ve focused on doing things to help me climb back up from the low place I’ve been in, while trying to smile through it and be, well, normal in front of everyone else.

And there are definitely hours at a time where I do feel pretty normal. Yesterday was a good day. I was pretty productive, I had some good time with Gracie, and I didn’t have that intangible sense of dread I’ve been experiencing so much. I think it’s because I had lots of plans. Being out and around others really helps me, so I’ve been keeping busy and ignoring the dishes and laundry.

But this morning I will likely have a very hard time getting out of bed. Again. Because I won’t know what the day holds. Will it be a good day? A sad day? An irritable day? Some sort of mix of it all?

I don’t look forward to finding out.

And that’s a problem.

I know it’ll get better. It always does. I still hope that someday it’ll just stay better and I can stop this exhausting back-and-forth of depression.

But for now, I’ll take it one day at a time, and remind myself to look for the joy that lifts my spirits.

It’s in Gracie’s laugh. Annie’s hopeful smile. Hubs’ big warm hug. My friends’ companionship. My mom’s voice.

And when I find the joy, I feel the depression melting.

So I keep forcing myself to look for it, until the joy comes naturally again.

 mom fighting depression

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