Tagged: honest mom

To all the moms dealing with PPD and depression this Mother’s Day

mothers-day-rally1Many of you Honest Mom readers struggle or have struggled with PPD, depression, anxiety, or other mental illnesses.

Maybe some of your Mother’s Days in the past have been less than ideal because of it. Or maybe this year it’s going to be a really hard day for you.

As I’ve said many times here on this blog, you are not alone.

There are so many women around the world who aren’t going to have a happy Mother’s Day because they are struggling with mental illness. To reach out and help these moms – especially new moms – the wonderful Katherine Stone at Postpartum Progress created the annual Mother’s Day Rally for Moms’ Mental Health.

And this year, I’m thrilled to be a part of it.

The Mother’s Day Rally features 24 letters written to struggling moms – one letter posted each hour of the day, starting at midnight of Mother’s Day. All the letters are written by survivors of PPD, postpartum anxiety, postpartum OCD, depression after weaning, and/or postpartum psychosis.

The Rally participants wrote these letters to inform and encourage pregnant and new moms who are struggling with their emotional health. I wrote about PPD, rage, and having the courage to get help, because I know the anger that often comes with PPD and depression isn’t talked about enough.

Many mom bloggers you may recognize are part of the Rally this year: Lauren from My Postpartum Voice, Miranda from Not Super Just Mom, Cristi from Motherhood Unadorned, Robin from Farewell Stranger, Jen from The Martha Project, Lori from I Can Grow People, and Jaime from James and Jax. And that’s just a sampling of the amazing and inspiring women who are involved.

My letter is live on Postpartum Progress, and I hope you’ll give it a read and leave a comment to encourage other moms who are having a tough time right now.

And if you are struggling, or you know someone who is, take some time to read through the amazing Rally letters. Even if you’re not specifically dealing with PPD, I am sure you will find some words of comfort in the voices who are speaking out.

I hope all of you – battling PPD or not – have at least a few moments of well-deserved peace this Mother’s Day.

Sending all you mamas love and hugs,

JD

 

(Image from Postpartum Progress)

Is it worth it to be a working mom?

So the other day, I was thinking about the astounding amount of money Hubs and I pay for two measly days of daycare and a half day of babysitting for Grace. Since I am a freelance writer my income goes up and down, and some months it feels like it’s not worth it to work – financially, at least.

I threw together this little card and posted it on Facebook as I was contemplating the tiny amount of money I brought home last month:

daycare or work

And I asked the Honest Mom Facebook fans: Truth? Or sarcasm?

I was shocked at the response. It was one of the most commented on and shared Facebook posts I’ve ever done. 786 likes, 774 shares, 85 comments. Pretty big stuff for my page.

Obviously my ecard touched a nerve. And I can totally understand why – because I can empathize with both camps (working moms and SAHMs).

I used to work full-time. But when I was pregnant with Grace, I quit my job. I had had a complicated third trimester with Annie and  I was heading down the same road with Grace (early contractions due to stress because of – you guessed it – work). I did not want my baby or me to go through that stress again.

But even if I was having a smooth pregnancy, I likely still would have left. Because though I loved my job and my colleagues, I felt like my priorities were out of whack. I felt unbalanced.

I felt like I never saw Annie.

Monday through Friday, I dropped my two-year-old off at daycare at 8:00am and picked her up at 6pm. This meant I saw her for a total of two hours each day.

Two hours.

And they weren’t quality hours, either. They were consumed with eating and getting ready for school/bed. That was pretty much it.

It was killing me.

I knew Annie was in good hands. She loved daycare. I loved work. But I loved her more. And I missed her desperately.

Hubs and I went over the financial implications of me not working as much. I am fortunate that I am a copywriter and it’s something I can do from home as a freelancer. We knew we’d have to make some pretty decent adjustments, but we also knew I could ratchet up the freelancing gigs if needed.

Plus, Hubs was also missing Annie, and if I was home with her he figured he’d start working a day from home to maximize his time with her. And he’d also get extra time with her each day, since his short commute meant he usually got home by 5:30.

So I did it. I left my well-paying, ladder-climbing, fun yet stressful job. And I am now a part-time worker, part-time SAHM.

And I don’t regret it.

But honestly? I think I would if I wasn’t working at all.

When I left the corporate world, I was in a great place, career-wise. I had worked my BUTT OFF to get where I was. And I loved what I did. I couldn’t imagine leaving my career behind completely.

It’s not all about the money. The money is GREAT, of course. Earning a paycheck is very satisfying for me.

But for me, work isn’t just about money. It’s about professional and creative collaboration with adults I respect and enjoy working with. It’s about having a sense of pride and accomplishment in creating a successful email campaign, advertisement, or research paper.

And it’s also about … well … not being with my kids 24/7.

I’m not cut out to be a SAHM. If I was, I’d jump in and embrace the role whole-heartedly. But I’m not. I found that out in the years after Grace was born, when I basically was a SAHM.

I know that I’m a better mom because I have some separation from my kids a couple days a week.

I’m more patient and present with them when I’ve had my own time without them, doing something that has nothing to do with them.

This may sound unbelievable to SAHMs who love what they do. And the fact that I love working part-time yet enjoy my days home with Grace may sound crazy to full-time working moms who love what they do.

But there it is.

So, are those months where I bring home $56 after accounting for daycare/babysitting expenses worth it?

Hell, yes.

And that’s my final answer.

********

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Sometimes women bring me down. But this isn’t one of those times.

God, women can be just awful to each other.

Catty PTA members, terrible mothers- or sisters-in-law, nasty playground moms. They often dominate conversations among my friends, online and off. I see many a Facebook status that agonizes over Mean Girls who grew up to be Mean Moms.

Bloggers aren’t immune to it, either. Feuds between bloggers happen frequently, it seems – some public, some not – and while they can play out like train wrecks you can’t help but stare at, they can be incredibly disheartening.

But this isn’t post about mean moms or nasty bloggers. I’ve seen too many of those posts and I need some positive thinking right now.

It’s a post about awesome mom bloggers. Women who support each other, build each other up, radiate kindness and heart. Yes, there is drama in the blogging world. But there are also tons of awesome women in it, too.

Here are some of the blogging mamas who have been making me feel warm and fuzzy lately – and I whole-heartedly recommend you check them out:

Boston Moms Who Blogthese women rock

Last weekend I met up with a group of local bloggers for dinner. Some I have spent time with before, some I knew just online, some were totally new to me. It was FABULOUS. I stayed way too long and had so much fun (and talked WAY too much – sorry that I yap when I have a glass of wine, ladies).

It was a night filled with sharing tips, laughing over blogging silliness, and building each other up. I walked away from that dinner energized and happy, knowing I had another clan of fabulous women to learn from, lean on, and celebrate with. (And if you want to know all about them, I’m listing all of them at the end of this post. Please check out their blogs!)

Jill Smokler, a.k.a Scary Mommy

Jill is awesome for a million reasons, but here are just a few:

She is a huge supporter of other bloggers and regularly has small bloggers like me guest post on her blog, which gives us great exposure to her giant fan base.

When I was freaking out about going on Katie Couric’s show, Jill took the time to give me some great career advice and promote my show appearance to her fans. She’s a busy woman. She didn’t have to do any of that. But she did.

Jill has an amazing nonprofit called Scary Mommy Nation. Right now and up to May 12, all donations up to $1,000 made to SMN are being matched by Jill and passed onto The One Fund Boston to support the victims of the Boston Marathon bombing. (You can donate here.)

You may have heard that Jill has a new book out: Motherhood Comes Naturally (and Other Vicious Lies). If you have a funny bone, you will want to read it. I read the book cover to cover in a day. It’s as hysterical and honest as you’d think it would be, and I was bummed when I was finished – because I wanted to read more.

And if you’re a blogger, I hope you’ll buy Jill’s book to return the support that she shows our community. She deserves it, and you’ll love it. Everyone wins.

Nikki Knepper from Moms Who Drink and Swear

Nikki is another blogger I’ve gotten to know a little more lately. She, too, has an amazingly hysterical book out right now: Moms Who Drink and Swear: True Tales of Loving My Kids While Losing My Mind.

I’m in the midst of reading Nikki’s book and honestly? I am torn about whether I want to keep reading it. I love it and don’t want to put it down, but should I save it for my vacation in two weeks because I love it? I’m thinking it deserves to be read with a Mai Tai in-hand, so I may make myself wait.

Not only does Nikki make me snort with conspiratorial laughter, but behind her lovable potty mouth is a woman who amazes me with her kindness and her giving nature. One minute she’s making me laugh, and the next I’m teary because of a selfless act she commits to help one of our mutual friends.

Nikki is a fabulous person and a fabulous writer, and I hope you’ll grab a copy of her book. You won’t regret it. And if you’re one of the few people in the world who haven’t liked her Facebook page, you can do that here.

Who is a blogger whom you think deserves a shout-out because of her great blog and amazing awesomeness?

PS : Here’s the list of the Boston mom bloggers I hung out with last week – check them out!

Annie at Stowed Stuff
Cheryl at Busy Since Birth
Diane at Dollops of Diane
Jessica at Don’t Mind the Mess
Julie at Dennehy Public Relations
Julie at Next Life, No Kids
Kerry at Kerry Goodwin Photography
Kim at Kim World
Kim at Red Shutters
Lollie at The Fortuitous Housewife
Nikki at Days with Us

My epiphany of apathy, or how I stopped being a yes-mom.

epiphany of apathyI’ve been a champion yes-man in the past. If you were looking for someone to bake for the school fundraiser, make 35 favors for a wedding shower in a weekend, or head up a committee for a town event, I was your woman.

Forget yes-man. Yes-men had nothing on me. I was a yes-mom.

Why did I do this to myself? Guilt. I thought I should help more, do more, contribute more. Plus, if I didn’t do it, who would?

Well, I’m happy to report that I’ve done a 180 degree turnaround. And if you’re a perfectionist mom-leader type, I’m now the mom you most certainly do NOT want on your committee.

Because I ignore your emails about fundraising followup. Once in a while I drop off committees midway through. And when I do stick with it? I’m the mom who usually does the bare minimum.

Now I figure if I don’t head up that committee, someone else will. And if someone else doesn’t, I guess it wasn’t that important to begin with.

Basically, I am the epitome of what I used to detest about my coworkers and committee members.

How did I achieve my new heights of lackluster participation? What led me to this epiphany of apathy?

Multiple stress-induced mental breakdowns, I’m guessing.

In my early years of parenting, I kept taking on too much and I was stretched way too thin. Being a yes-mom catered to that part of me that is a total overachieving perfectionist.

I liked being depended upon. Being the one who always pulled it off. It made me feel good to bake the best-looking cupcakes that everyone oohed and aahed over. And I felt pride after staying up all hours of the night to create a perfect Pinterest-worthy birthday party for my two-year-old.

But who was I really doing it all for?

Eventually I realized that sometimes – like in the case of my daughter’s birthday party – it was worth it to put in all that effort, time, and yes – stress. But most of the time? It wasn’t.

So how have I embraced the average and banished my perfectionist, controlling tendencies?

I realized three things:

1. My own mental health was more important than saying yes to every volunteer opportunity. You know, even if the town’s library garden beautification committee reaaaaaaaly needed my help. There really, truly was someone else out there who could handle it.

2. I learned to say “no” to the majority of the requests for my time, and to say “yes” very selectively. When I do say yes, I am only a member of the team. I don’t let myself get pressured into leading it. And if I made a mistake and overcommit, I realized it wasn’t the end of the world to fess up, apologize, and make my exit.

3. I’ve embraced the fact that not every member of a team needs to be an A+ contributor. I considered this very idea complete blasphemy until not too long ago. But until my general stress level dials down a few notches, I am happy being a nice, solid B- or even C+ team member.

Maybe when Grace is in school five days a week, I’ll be a room mom or head up a kindergarten fundraiser. Maybe I’ll once again make the most impressive cupcakes at the bake sale. Maybe I’ll get back to being an A+ team member.

Or … maybe being average will be just too damn relaxing.

*****

Huge-Chobani-Giveaway-Enter-to-Win-a-Years-Supply-of-Yogurt

 

Hey! Have you heard? Me and a bunch of other bloggers are giving away a year’s supply of Chobani yogurt! The grand prize winner will build a custom case for themselves to be delivered to their doorstep monthly. Enter here on Honest Mom!